Zero Tolerance

I'm not sure exactly what constitutes an infraction of the zero tolerance rule. If the opponent is slamming cards down on the table, is red in the face and as soon as the hand is over, starts yelling at his partner, is that a violation?  If it is and I call the director, what do I say?  Opponent is being mean to his partner?  In my book, it's his partner's fault for playing with the abuser at all.

One day, after the abuser had left the table and was out of earshot, I said to abuser's partner, "I can refer your partner to some anger management classes".  The gentleman said, "He needs it."  I left it at that but, wanted to add, "Why do you allow someone to treat you like that?" 

Why do people?  Call me.  I'll be your partner.  I will be nice to you no matter how lousy our game.  Actually, the lousy game is often my fault anyway so, this is no problem.

Whatever Happened to Shaking Hands?

On any given day men and women and women and women at the club are greeting each other with full body contact.  Am I the only one who finds this beyond weird?  Don't answer.  Maybe it's a Texas thing.  Maybe it's a southern thing.  I know, for sure, it isn't a New York thing.  Men don't do it to each other, so, if hugging is so great, why don't they?  It's not as if the people being greeted are some long lost relatives.  Most of the time they are the loyal opponents from the day before.

I don't like being hugged by people I don't know, don't care to know, aren't close friends, or whom I actively dislike.  Therefore, I make it a blanket rule that  I don't hug anyone and the actively disliked few are thereby hidden among the many.   The Huggy Doodies don't understand this.  I call them Huggy Doodies in fond memory of cute little Howdy.  If you don't remember Howdy - google him and watch some old episodes.  They don't make 'em like that any more.  Howdy never hugged Buffalo Bob or Mr. Bluster, Clarabelle or Princess Summerfallwinterspring.  So when did it become de rigueur to hug everyone upon meeting?  Presumably sometime after 1952.

I do the stick my hand out thing as someone is coming in on a hug approach.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes I have to duck or push away.  Sometimes I have to say, "Don't ever touch me again".  That always works.  I often want to add "you slimeball" but I'm afraid that would result in another lecture from Director Tom about zero tolerance.  I think there should be zero tolerance for hugging.  I also think I would get outvoted by the Huggy Doodies.  The bottom line for me is, don't touch me, don't touch my cards and we should get along fine.  That isn't so hard, is it?

A Warning

I walked into the Bridge Club of San Antonio for my usual Tuesday game with wonderful partner, Carol, and Director Tom was raking in the funds - oh - wait - I mean he was collecting playing fees.  Yep - that was it.  Anyway, in his best megaphone can be heard across the street voice, he said, "Judy! I read your blog and I have a warning to give you".  Uh oh.  I"ve been good.  I haven't opened Flannery two diamonds without the requisite 11 to 15 points although I was sorely tempted one day with 16, but Tom was directing and I didn't dare.  I was mentally reviewing what egregious thing I had documented here which violated some arcane ACBL rule but I was coming up short.

Finally, coming to the end of the line as I patiently waited my chastisement, Tom continued in the same voice (loud enough for everyone to enjoy the story).  "I was playing a regional with a partner who removed everyone's cards from the board.  This obviously annoyed one opponent but my partner continued to do it.  Finally, the opponent with red face, grimace, and muscles tensed said, "I CAN REMOVE MY OWN CARDS FROM THE BOARD.  DON'T TOUCH THEM!"

I said, "Oh great, it's not just me then".  Tom then ended the story with the tag line; "Yeah, and the guy died two weeks later so watch out!"  At that time, David the card pullerouter walked by and I said, "David, I have to rethink this again."  He knew I didn't mean it.

Bridge Fun

The following is slightly raunchy so, if you are an easily offended type, don't read it.

There are three or four men (always men do this; no women) who pull everyone's hand out from the board to be played.  This always annoyed me and I can't really tell you why.  I suspect it's my grandfather, the killer diller poker player of the Hastings on Hudson Protection Engine Company Volunteer Fire Dept. game, who says in my head "Jude!  Don't ever let anyone touch your cards".

I have retrained three of the offenders to leave my hand alone.  The other is Director Everette and, as far as I am concerned, he can do anything he wants with my cards any time.  Yesterday, partner/director/friend Paula and I were playing against one of the men who went ahead and pulled my hand from the board.  I gave him the Ms. Judith look and he said, "Oh shoot, Judy, I forgot".  I humphed a little just so he wouldn't forget next time.  It was a beautiful hand, 14 points and a great major.  Partner and I rolled a game easily.

I said to the offender, "Gee David, maybe I need to rethink this card pulling thing".  Next board, he left my hand in its pocket and I pulled out a stinker with two jacks.  On the third board, David pulled out all hands but mine and I looked at him and said, "Okay David - pull it out".  Not missing a beat, he said, "That's the first time a woman has ever asked me to pull it out".  I said, "That's the biggest lie I've ever heard".  David was gasping for air between gales of laughter and the rest of us were trying unsuccessfully to keep the noise down but didn't succeed too well.

Actually, people said it was nice to hear other players having fun rather than carping at each other.  It was a total bridge disaster of a day, but, as always when Paula is my partner, we have a great time and laugh a lot.  That is the way it should be. 

Inexplicable

I am usually not much of an optimist about human nature in general, BUT, I can't even imagine that someone would get out of bed in the morning and head off for the bridge club thinking to themselves, "Today, I am going to drop a big blob of misery into one of my fellow bridge players' life".  Maybe some people do and this is the only explanation for the behavior I see or, perhaps, I'm just not smart enough to figure out the real reason this stuff happens.

Partner/husband and I were defending a hand when the declarer called for the good King of Clubs from the board.  He pulled the five of hearts, a trump, out of his hand, exposed it, and the card hit the table but did not detach from his hand.  He then said, "Oh, I didn't mean to do that" and put the card back into his hand.  I pointed out that the card had been played and he said, "No, it never touched the table" (like that matters).  I called the director.  The gentleman proceeded to explain his version that the card hadn't touched the table and, as I was about to disagree with that, he looked at me and said, "Well, maybe it did but it never left my hand".  The director ruled that the card had been played.

The gentleman (and I use the term only in the polite sense since he is clearly not) then growled in my direction, "You must really need masterpoints".  I replied, "Sir, you either play the game by the rules or you don't play".  He then regrowled, "Yep, you need those points; I can smell it".  My hand shot up and I called the director back to the table.  I asked her to tell the man to stop bothering me.  She directed him to cease all conversation with me.  He replied, "Don't worry about it.  I don't want to talk to HER".

This is one of the reasons I wouldn't make a good director.  I would have fined the SOB 3 matchpoints just for that. 

Later, I overheard him discussing the incident with his partner.  He asked partner if he had seen the exposed card and partner said that he had.  The player then said, "Well, I guess I didn't have a leg to stand on, did I" and his partner agreed that he hadn't.  Do you think grumpy old man wandered my way at any time that day and offered an apology?  Nope.  What I really don't understand is why people partner with someone who is so obviously obnoxious.  If all of us refused to play with people who violate zero tolerance, wouldn't the bridge world be a nice place to live?

Smooth Operators

For the second time ever, I was pleased to play with teacher/director Everette last Tuesday.  My partner unexpectedly cancelled and he was nice enough to become a playing director.  I have described being Everette's partner as akin to driving a really, really expensive Italian sports car like a Mazzarrati; one of the way cool, low slung, purring pieces of machinery that you hardly have to steer.  It just sails along without a lot of guidance or pings in the engine.  We did better the first time we played as partners than we did this week, but the ride, for me, was just as smooth. For Everette, probably not so much, as I made two bonehead, stupid sacrifice bids on the first two hands.  When I managed to restrain myself and set the opposition instead, he agreed that I was indeed trainable.  It was a really, really nice day.

Oh Well

After the previously blogged about spectacular week, things came to a screeching halt at the National Open Pairs qualification round last Sat.  After a dismal 38 percent game in the morning with husband/partner, qualifying was but a distant dream.  I had a bad week last week with all partners and felt the cross hairs of the bridge goddess's wrath aimed squarely at my back as the obvious problem.   Not enough incense AND the hummers have migrated on.  I need a new omen.

The good news is partner/husband and I have passed the 280 mark.  Better news is that friends Jay and Paula agreed to go to Reno over Christmas week.  On Christmas day, instead of opening presents and eating roast beef like normal Americans, all four of us will board a SW airlines plane and have peanuts for Christmas dinner.  We will attempt to get our last 5 gold points in the KOs that week and, whether we do or not, we will reboard the same SW airlines jet on New Year's Eve to come home.  I think I can scrape up a bottle of champagne when we get home to share with Jay and Paula - win or lose!

Onward.

Omens Never Lie

They just take a while to work.  For the first time ever, I have been running out of hummingbird food because so many of the little beauties have been swarming the patio feeder flashing their gorgeous red throats.  In addition, it did rain a lot and guess what?  Points are rolling in.  Friend Fran and I posted a 67.78 percent game today for first overall and last Tuesday friend Leslie and I posted a 62.2 tying for first overall with big guns, club owner Marilyn and hear much feared partner, Bill.  Last Monday night, great players Terry and Carolyn decided to take us under their wings and straighten out some stuff in our game.  The women placed first with the men second.  Terry wants a rematch.  Husband/partner and I are so grateful to all who help us.  I am very afraid to think that I am actually improving for fear that the bridge goddess will whack me a good one.  I will keep those burnt offerings going as suggested by club manager/friend Paula. Actually, Paula likes the "due to" theory better.  In case she is wrong, where did I put those matches and incense?

Rain but not Points

6 + inches yesterday and about 5 more today.  However, no points for me today.  I'll have to find a new theory.  Maybe I will resurrect the fave family sports theory - "due to win".  It drives son, Alex, nuts and he, in an very exasperated manner, not too patiently explains the statistical probability of winning, (usually the Phillies or the Girls (Cowboys) are under discussion), remains the same at the start of each game no matter the record. .  A string of losses, in other words, doesn't change the probability.  I don't like his explanation.  It seems much more logical to me that after a bunch of losses, one (read here  me and not the Phillies or the Girls), should be "due to" win.  I'm ready.  Bring on the New Braunfels sectional this weekend.  I'm due for cascades of silver.

Richardson Regional

In our continuing quest for gold, we talked friend/partners Jay and Paula into coming up to Richardson (near Dallas) to play knockouts with us.  We shared much fun, laughter and food and won about 3 gold for which we are most grateful.  Paula and I played together and, one afternoon, two nice ladies sat down at our table for the usual 12/12 boards and introduced themselves as June and Bonnie.  Bonnie was a no nonsense looking woman with a nice thick cane which, I thought, could do some damage if I acted up.  June was a willowy lovely woman with feather cut white hair and gorgeous jewelry.  After the first hand, when June put her hand down as dummy, Bonnie said, "Ah've seen better hands on a washerwoman"! Uh oh.  Paula and I started laughing which is bad because it usually just escalates.  Sure enough, a few hands later, Bonnie said to June, "Yer ahs (eyes) look like two frahd eggs in a SLOP BUCKET! Go get yerself some coffee!"  Well that was it, I was laughing with tears running down my cheeks.  Husband/partner said he heard me from 3 tables down and thought I had badly screwed up a hand.  Nice.

Bonnie said to me, "What are y'all laughing at?  Haven't yew ever seen frahd eggs in a slop bucket?"  When I admitted that I had never seen a slop bucket in my life she said, "Whar y'all from anyway - I thought you said San Antonio?  That's how we talk here in Texas".  I think I lost some credibility there.  So, we finished our twelve boards and chatted while we waited for 10 minutes, as usual,  for Jay and husband/partner to get done.  Director Guillermo wandered by and I asked if he would go give them a kick in the rear.  I added, "or this nice lady probably has a cattle prod you can use".  Bonnie said, "Ah DO!"  I was afraid that cane would do some  prodding  on it's own if they took much longer.

Richardson is a great regional; one of the best we have attended.  The hotel was really, really nice.  The manager met us at the door and was around the lobby every day talking to guests and watching staff.  Hands on management is rare these days and I was impressed with the clean, well run hotel Renaissance.  The free food after the night game was really good and the coffee was sometimes free in the afternoon.  There were plenty of directors and none of them were crabby.  Even when I doubled husband/partner's bid and director Kevin showed up to adjudicate, he simply said, "I've seen him play - I'd probably double him too".  Kevin usually directs in Austin and has helped us several times with great advice over the past couple of years.  I was embarrassed, though, to do such a stupid rookie thing.

My sister in law, Paula, wrote today and said, "well, you said in your blog you wanted rain!" and we had a tropical storm blow through yesterday, 7 inches in the back yard.  I hope the points pour down with friend/partner/new life master Rebecca today or I will have to throw out my beloved omen theory.  I hope I will be joining Rebecca in the near future - about 30 points total to go with 5 of them gold.  It seems doable. Ha.

A Dribble

The hummer omens didn't lie - a respectable .60 today - a crack in the dam.  We are off to the Richardson Regional on Monday and our partner/friends Jay and Paula will join us there for some KOs in the continuing hunt for gold.  Thanks to Paula for the nice game today.  Now, if it would only rain!

The Plateau

Great player (and newest Grand Master - kudos!), Greg, says that all players, old and new, bad and good go through a series of steps up and then have to walk miles across a flat plateau before finding another step up.  After rolling along through 2010 with an average of about 10 points a month, August, so far, has brought almost 1 whole MP.  I'm trying not to whine too much at the club so I decided to whine to the blog and spare my playing friends and partners.  Husband/partner is whining louder, although he is now 3 points or so ahead me and, I don't think, has any reason to complain.  We have played with a number of different partners and together but with less than stellar results.  I feel like those commercials that have the big, giant arrows with flashing neon lights, and the arrows are pointing directly at me "THE PROBLEM". 

Husband/partner and I decided to play 2 over 1 to jump start our game and it seemed to work for a while.  However, when the rain stopped here in San Antonio, our points became as drought ridden as our grass.  However, here is the good news folks.  I have always been a big believer in omens.  Latin scholars (4 years in high school qualifies in my book) are big on omens.

All summer and for the past 4 summers since I started putting up hummingbird feeders, we have had one little brown hummer who comes to the feeder every year and fights off any other hummer which dares to get near his food source.  Our friends and neighbors have tons of hummers at their feeders but not us.  Here is my omen.  Ready?  We looked at the patio feeder after dinner and there were hummers swarming the thing.  One was a ruby throat in full, red throated, glorious color.  The others were the usual black chins but also starting to get their mating colors with the purple collar band.  There were 6 of them or so doing acrobatics, running each other off the food source, sucking at the flowers, and otherwise doing the things that make them so much fun to watch.

So, this is the first swarm of probably migrating hummers we have ever seen in our yard.  Maybe a swarm of masterpoints will follow tomorrow when I play with my friend and new director Paula.  Stay tuned.

Apology

A nice aplogy has been accepted from the person who, in the heat of the moment, did not chose her words wisely.  End of story.

New Orleans National

Hot, dirty, smelly and loud.  That's about it for New Orleans.  Oh yeah - and great food!  It was not my fave National though.  We were playing pairs and the women near the door all jumped up and started screaming.  The men, of course, laughed.  One 80ish guy got up with a large, heavy cane and started to head over there - theoretically to crush the poor little mouse which had been running around for three days.  Some smart dude opened the door and it ran away into the hallway.  It was difficult, in most matches, particularly consolation KOs to find a direcctor.  The conference rooms were jammed with KOs and pairs in the same room which upped the noise level considerably when one of them ended while the other was still going.

Still, we did manage to scratch out 2.5 gold from a consolation KO as well as a bunch of red, doing well in two pairs game, much to our surprise.  Best of all, we learned new stuff.  We met pro teacher, Lisa Berkowitz, in the bar and, after treating her to a glass of chardonney, she told us what to do over 2 club opener interference.  We had not encountered that before and we were stymied in our bidding, ending up in a really bad contract of 6 hearts, down 2.  Now, we will know what to do next time, not that we won't end up down anyway but we thank her for her kind advice and patience.  She really is a gifted teacher.

Club owner, Marilyn, and her partner, Jerry, explained how we could have used a maximal double to get to a game we missed.  Great info!!  We thank them and friend/partner, Rebecca, for our two and half gold.  We feel that we should have done better, but are grateful for what we have.  It gives us more opportunity to continue to travel to regionals and nationals for a while.

Biig Al and dementor Robert played a couple of KOs with us but we were KOed.  However, Biig Al won BIIG at the casino and took us out for a great dinner.  We finally walked to the river on the morning we were leaving and scarfed down some beignets.  Diet starts Monday ........  again.

Most interesting sight in New Orleans:   a gorgeous girl in leather mini and boots with legs starting at her neck and which were covered in fish net hose, on the arm of not one but two older gentlemen.  Think she's a bridge pro or really a guy?  We had fun.

New Orleans

July in New Orleans?  Are we totally  nuts?  Not only that, a low pressure system is headed toward the Big Easy on Sunday, the day we fly in.  Yesterday, Craig the Magic Hair Dude (magic because he makes my hair look great for about an hour until I mess it up) asked me why we were going to New Orleans.  When I told him, he asked me what I get if we win.  I said, "Gold Points".  He said, "Oh great - how much do you get for them when you turn them in?"  If only.  When I explained it was a title/standing/ego driven thing he was beyond perplexed as any lover of Vegas would be.

With any luck, we will be intrepidly boarding a Southwest flight on Sunday with friend Rebecca.  Bring on Tropical Storm Bonnie!  I hope the Marriott's windows don't blow out in the middle of my 7NT hand.

Thick Skin

You have to have the impervious hide of a rhino to play successful bridge.  The opponents will do anything to get under your skin and throw off your game.  Little do they know that I can throw off my own game without their help. 

My partner, today, friend Rebecca bid 2 diamonds.  I left her there and she made four.  At the end of play, I said, "making four" and heard 3 agreements from the others.  We folded up the hand, returned it to the board and I was sorting the next hand when left hand opponent said, "Wait a minute, making four?  She only made three."  Her partner said, "I had four".  I said, "I was certain I was correct in my call that she made four".  The director was called.  Left hand opponent then tried to explain to the director what tricks she had taken during the play.  I disputed that she had taken a second club trick.  At that point she said to the director, "Well, if they are going to be dishonest about it!"

Now, you can question my bridge playing ability (I often do), you can question why I continue to play the game, and you can question my choice of partners/friends or personality but you can NOT question my honesty.  I told left hand opponent that I was offended by her remark.  The director mostly unsuccessfully tried to quiet me down and ruled in our favor since the hand had been returned to the board and even left hand opponent's own partner told her it was too late to challenge.

I was still steamed and later told her that she owed me an apology, explaining that we can get things wrong and disagree but that in no way means that we are trying to be dishonest about what happened.  I told her that I would never think she was being dishonest if we disagreed about tricks taken.  She turned her back without speaking and left my detested presence.

This may be the end.  I said my piece.  I let my feelings be known to the offender.  If she is such a small person that she can not see how she offended nor that she owes the partnership an apology, then it is probably futile to try to make her understand normal social mores much less appropriate table behavior.  I have a fairly thick skin but she found the one microscopic pore which set me off.  Congratulations.

Mining for Gold

Two year ago, in the Austin regional, when we had two or three black points and not much in our bidding arsenal, we finally, on the last day of the event, made a partial red point.  I remember going out into the hallway whooping it up that we had scored.  Yesterday, we came back from the same event with 12.5 gold and 3 red.  Progress do you think?  Well maybe.

The weirdest thing that happened during a week of very weird stuff, was awaking Saturday morning to husband/partner wanting to talk about a dream he had during the night.  I said, "I had a weird dream too - you go first."  He started, "We were in a restaurant and I flicked at your gold earring and it fell on the floor.  I spent hours crawling around under tables looking for it."  My turn, "That's strange.  I had a dream about my gold earrings too.  I was visiting someone and took off the earrings  to take a shower and couldn't find them when I dried off."  I was of the opinion that someone was robbing our house and taking my jewelry while we were away.  Husband/partner thought that the hours (not to mention dollars) we had spent the whole week looking for gold points was sublimated into our collective unconscious and symbolized by the gold earrings.  I hate it when he is right.  I guess we have been married way too long when we have similar dreams.

In other regional news, as I walked in one morning, I was greeted by great player Ira.  He was standing by the door and he and his two buddies were laughing uproariously.  I had the uncomfortable feeling that it was directed at me.  It was.  Ira said, "I was telling these guys about the "Judy boards" I played in San Diego to drop in the standings.  As my friend Barbara the native Texan says: "DANG"!!!

We were in the worst pairs game ever (in our two year history).  It wasn't just our score that was bad (it was) but the pairs wouldn't move.  One of everyone's fave directors, Scott, was ready to tear his hair out.  He got on the mike several times asking people to move along to no avail whatsoever.  As our usual luck would have it, we were behind the slowest of the slow; two novices.  Now, being one myself, I'm usually pretty patient with any novice but these guys had no clue.  Director Scott reminded them that they needed to finish each board in about 7 minutes.  One of them said, "Really?  No one told us THAT!"  Meanwhile they continued doing their nails instead of moving.  Okay, that's a small exaggeration - very small.  I don't really know what the heck they were doing.  The next time Director Scott got on the mike he said, we are renaming this event the "Not so fast pairs".  It should have been slower than slow pairs.  He finally gave everyone an extra 10 or 15 minutes on the clock.  They STILL didn't catch up.  It was truly horrible.  There were late play boards everywhere.  I was feeling really sorry for Director Scott and told him I would bring a box of Valium to the next regional - for him - not the players.  They don't need any further help slowing down.

Seen around the hotel.

Two women from my home club with a tray full of vodka martini shooters.  We left the bar before we found out if they finished them.

The drama queen who sighed and shifted and in other ways gave signals to her partner that she was conflicted.  She was not as young as she pretended to be and my partner was ready to slap her silly.  If we had to play against her again, we asked the guys to switch with us.  Luckily, we didn't.

A guy in the Swiss with a red, white and blue balloon thing on his head.  Distracting the opponents? 

The wife who was wretchedly horrible to her husband.  We couldn't even feel too sorry for him because he brought it on himself by whining about what a bad player he was compared to her.  Her reponse was, "Oh STOP it!" and then complaining about his bidding on the next hand.  We had to play eight hands against them in the Swiss but it was worth it since we blitzed them and scored all 30 victory points.  Maybe he was secretly helping us.  I wouldn't blame him.

So that's about it for the Austin regional this year.  It's a great event, filled with friends and fun and great and not so great bridge like any other tournie.  I did one great thing.  The bidding went 1 spade by me and 4 spades by my partner.  I went to 6 spades with a 2 suited black hand and two red singletons.  It made and I felt, just for one short moment, like Ira.  He says he would have made 7. 

We really appreciate the four B players who helped us get to the semis in two KO rounds and get some gold.  They are a great example of wonderful players who help us newbies along on our journey so thanks to my sometime partner, Paula, Steve's sometime partner, Jay, and Phil and Phyllis,  friends from our club.

So now at least when people ask "How much gold do you need?" instead of hanging my head and saying "All of it", I can joyfully say "About 11".  On to New Orleans.  I'll keep you posted.

Terms NOT of Endearment

After a nice game with an A player who has kindly consented to be your partner and you score a 59% game, you don't want to be asked:

"Isn't it great when you play up with those A players?  They really carry you." 

Your A player partner suggests that she is a little tired after the round.  You don't want to hear from another (B by the way) player:

"Playing with these C players is exhausting, isn't it?"

Your husband/partner makes a really terrible bid and puts you in an unmakeable contract.  You don't want to hear a lecture from the opposition toward husband/partner on how he should have bid. 

I"m just sayin'!

Directionally Challenged

Co North is what friend/partner Rebecca calls me when we play together.  We are both somewhat controlling and both of us are happy when we are in charge of things.  You would think that wouldn't make for a great partnership/friendship but it does.  I don't like keeping score so, when we play together,  Rebecca sits north.  I flip boards while she is scoring, deliver boards to the next table and check pair numbers.  It works for us and it started me thinking about where people usually sit.

West people are the types who say "Good try partner" when partner goes down 4 doubled and vulnerable.  They never argue with a director's call, say thanks when they leave the table and are the models of the zero tolerance policy.

They mysterious easts, on the other hand, are inscrutable.  They wear caps hiding faces which are expressionless.  They never hitch when the opposition bids the suit in which they have six cards.  They give away nothing and love trap passes.

Souths are as variable as southern weather;  sometimes hot; sometimes windy.  The ones who go on and on about the last hand leaving co norths to say "next board folks" sit south.  Director calls and arguments come from the south like a low pressure system building up or the south may be clear and sunny.  You just never know.

These, of course, are gross generalizations but the north in charge personality is a reality, at least in friend/partner Rebecca's case and in mine.  GO  co norths!

In other news, partner/husband and I made it over 200 points, grabbed all the silver we need in Austin last weekend and now are making a concerted effort to earn red and find a gold  mine.  Good luck with that, right?

Annoying Man

We have a family joke about husband/partner who is a great talker and tends to go on about things such as asking the kids and me in several different ways what they are doing about something.  We coined the term "annoying man" when he does this and son, Greg,  made up an  "annoying man" sign: i.e. thumbs together and forefingers touching above,  making the letter A. 

Last week, husband/partner was in his Chatty Kathy mode (CK for short) and was completely ignoring the fact that he was dealer.  After I pointed this out to him and he kept talking, I showed the opponents the annoying man sign.  The next day husband/partner, with one of his fave partners, Barney,  sat down against the same opponents and made the mistake of opening a conversation.   Opponent Carol immediately whipped out the annoying man sign. 

I am thinking I need to feel more guilty and laugh less but maybe not.

Two Over One? Maybe!

I read the Two over One book over the past few weeks and, today, I am going to try two over one and one no trump forcing when friend/partner, Rebecca, and I play.  I told friend/partner Fran yesterday that I was ready to start using that system (having aced the end of chapter quizzes in the book which I know means nothing in real world play) and she promptly told me she wanted to use new minor forcing also.  After a quick explanation, I said I would make every effort to remember it.  Of course, I blew the system twice but Fran is nice and patient and said she will make more play dates with me for which I am always grateful.  Only once did one no trump forcing come up and, of course, I failed to announce it having forgotten it completely.  Oh well, try, try again today.

Rebecca invited me to join a small group of very good bridge players who, twice  month, magically travel to bridgemaster Wayne's world for lessons.  They had been together for quite some time prior to my joining and I am struggling to catch up. They are also way better than I am.   Much of the material is so complex that I just can't process it, but, I'm thinking that if I just listen for a while, maybe it will start to make sense.  To my great surprise, some of it is and on the last quiz I didn't get EVERYTHING wrong which was progress.  Husband/partner is worried that the new stuff which I'm starting to learn will screw up our partnership.  I keep assuring him that isn't possible but, actually, we have been doing much better together and planning some KOs in New Orleans to attempt to get some of that mythical gold. 

I have somehow scrabbled my way up to 195 points.  I never thought I would ever get even near 200 and life master, at the start, seemed an impossibility.  If any newbies out there are still reading this sporadic blog, hang in there.  As all of the great players and masters told us at the beginning, table time pays off as well as classes, reading tons of bridge books and Mike Lawrences's counting program.  I only wish I had the time to start a new quilt project.  Maybe next year.

Where have you been?

That's the question recently from our usual opponents at the club.  Husband/partner contracted a severe cold after we returned home from the germ factory; I mean cruise ship.  The week after that, I got it.  The week after that (bad timing), the renovation team started deconstructing husband/partner's circa 1970 odious green bathroom.  So, that was 3 weeks of no bridge except for an occasional night game and the Austin sectional where, on Saturday, three of us were sleep deprived after reaching the finals of the Friday knockout and the fourth team member had previously mentioned bad cold.  I was feeling guilty that we had given it to her.  Anyway, mixed results in Austin.

Obviously, no bridge, no blog and I'm getting complaints.  To sign off today, here are my newest bridge laws:

If you absolutely can't wait to take a bathroom break one moment longer, you have just played a slow pair and you are the dealer on the next board.  It never fails.

If your partner bids a club and you have 6 points, the 2 and 3 of clubs, and no suit,  and if you put on your big boy or girl panties and bid 1 NT, you get left there always. 

If you think to yourself, "Wow, we seem to be having a good game today"; the next pair to play will be the AX Hessels and you go down in flames.  The bridge goddess loves to take away all hope and any whiff of cockiness is grounds for zero boards as punishment.

My fave game tonight, the pro AM at Turtle Creek.  Husband/partner and I are about 20 points away from not being AMs any more (200 is the cutoff for that game).  I am playing with former dementor Robert and husband/partner with Biig Al.  I may let you know how it goes but probably not.

David and Lisa

"Pervert, Pervert, Pervert" yelled newest bridge hall of famer, David Berkowitz, who, at that moment, was standing behind husband/partner's chair looking at his hand and what he had bid.  All heads turned toward our table and everyone started laughing.  We were below decks on the Voyager of the Seas in a conference room taking a lesson from David and his wife, Lisa, both very fine teachers.  Several days prior, David had stated emphatically that anyone who bid a five card suit twice was a pervert.  This was the second time he had caught husband/partner doing just that.  David picked up husband/partner's 2 diamond bid, put it back in the box and slapped down one no trump.  He walked away shaking his head.

By far the coolest bridge classes are on cruise ships.  No contest.  Hands down winner.  My cruise loving daughter thinks I'm nuts to go on a cruise and play bridge in a room below decks with no view of anything except fellow bridge nuts.  What she doesn't get is that I'm almost beyond the point of zip lines although I might try the rock wall next time.  I wonder if I can hold my cards with a cast on one arm?

Prior to the cruise, husband/partner and I had been having a bit of a point drought again.  We were scoring points with other partners but not with each other.  My theory is that we came along at the same rate, learned the same stuff, didn't learn the same stuff and therefore have the same weaknesses in our game.  Playing with others who can offset those weaknesses allows us to score more frequently.  It's only a theory.

 I was anxious about playing together for a whole week and, sure enough, at the first round, we had a dismal 32%.  We had played in the open pairs and after that performance, moved into the 299er group and started placing.  Directors for the games were Steve and Darlene Shirey from Ft. Worth; wonderful, funny, warm people with great judgement and terrific interpersonal skills.  Steve planned the last game of the trip so that each pair would play one round with either David or Lisa.  He asked us to move to the open pairs so that the numbers would work out.  I always do what directors' request and have found that I am usually rewarded.  We had a 57.5% game and felt really great about that.

The next day, Saturday, Swiss teams were scheduled.  We teamed up with fellow 199ers Jackie and Ben.  Ben is in his 80s and a killer player with about 150 points but lots of rubber bridge years behind him.  Jackie, an extremely bright woman, had a birthday while we were cruising but I'm not giving  out her age.  She had just topped out her masterpoints at 5 the week prior.  She played well but Ben was patiently teaching her duplicate bidding throughout the week.  Their obvious affection for each other was lovely.  Husband/parnter and I made our way down to deck 2 having a conversation about limited expectations and that we had done so well already that today didn't matter - we just planned to have fun. 

Director Steve had stratified the field to start but after that it was the usual Swiss pairing - winners vs winners etc.  Our team won the first round easily.  Then, we won the second round and again the third.  This brought us up against the best team in the room; 2 guys from Iowa practicing for the GNTs and a 92 year old woman and her son who were straffing the open all week.  We lost by only 13 which we explained to our partners was unbelieveably good.  We placed 1st in C and B and second in A.  Jackie and Ben want to meet us at some sectionals or regionals.  Sounds great to us.

David and Lisa Berkowitz are wonderful instructors and have a great interaction and division of labor.  David tells laugh out loud bridge stories and answers questions from the previous day's rounds about bidding or play of the hand.  Lisa teaches theory in excellent small bites with great clarity.  I still don't get the giving count lesson though but that is more my denseness than her teaching.  That said, Lisa got the biggest laugh of the week from the class.  She explained that bridge is a sport which takes repetition and practice.  As an example, she said "I couldn't play a round of tennis with Martina Navritalova or go a round with Tiger Woods".  Some wag said, "sure you could" and for the only time in the week, Lisa lost control of our raunchy class.

I want to put in a plug here for John Sobol of Go Away Travel.  This is our second time to cruise with him and we signed up for next year's January cruise with Eddie Wold and Bob Morris.  John does everything - plays with people needing partners to fill out a round, makes boards, talks to ship staff to get video and snacks in place and a multitude of other things I am sure are invisible to me.  He is a neato guy and runs his business hands on.

It's good to be home and I'm looking forward to playing again at our clubs.  Maybe our newly reinvigorated partnership skills will continue.  Remembering Director Tom's sine wave theory though, I'll wait and see.

Anger Management

I'm working on it with more or less success depending on what happens.  A few days ago, I blew an  easy slam where I should have known to ask for aces but signed off in game instead.  Later in the match, partner/husband made a mistake which even rookies don't make.  Instead of making a nice 3NT game as everyone else did, we were down one in a bad contract.  I was pretty angry and got up and left the table to graze the snack counter; snacking always curing all bridge evils.  The opponent, Roger, wandered up and I asked him what he thought would happen if I shot partner/husband.  He said, "you would get off".  Okay, I laughed and partner/husband lived to play another day.

Maybe I'll start a support group for angry bridge players or maybe I'll hire Roger as my anger diffuser.  The worst part of it was, having blown the slam earlier, I had lost my right to whine at partner/husband.  Good thing.

Husband/Partner's Bad Day

Husband/Partner has stolen Dementor Robert away from me.  They play together on occasion when I am otherwise occupied with other partners.  They had a bad day today with one shining bright spot.  Robert opened 2 clubs.  Partner/Husband had 2 jacks and a queen and, following their system, bid 2 hearts showing no ace or king.  The 2 hearts was doubled, presumably a lead directing double, and Robert passed.  Husband/partner didn't see the double card and passed.  He was in 2 Hearts with 2 Hearts in his hand and 2 in dummy.  He made the contract.  He tried to tell me how he did it.  Something about running the Ace, King, Queen in 2 other suits which happened to split well and then trumping something with the 2 in his hand and the ace on the board bringing in the eighth trick.  The traveler showed all other pairs in 3 NT going down one.

After hearing that story, I truly believe that in this game ANYTHING at all is possible.

The Language of Bridge

It's NOT what you are thinking out there.  I don't mean the four letter words I occasionally use going down yet again in no trump.  Nope.  I'm thinking about our secret code, i.e. the bidding systems.  We have a friend who does not understand our bridge obsession.  Actually, most of our friends can't understand it but this one friend has a question which has been on my mind for a while since he posed it.  The question went something like this:

"If you guys have to tell the opponents what your bid means, why doesn't everyone just save time and say, 'I have two spades'; 'I have three diamonds''; 'I think we have slam here, partner, how many aces do you have?"   His theory is that would be way easier, clearer, and really the same as what is curently done with bids.

Sadly, I had no answer and he concluded the remark with a superior look on his face and segued off to annoy his other friend, the Cowboys fan, about how bad the team looked this year.  He enjoys annoying people.  I can't figure out why I like him so much.  Maybe it's because he is my cardiologist and keeps me alive to play another day.

But, really, why do we have this complicated coded way to tell each other more or less what is in our hands?  Aha you say, because the game wouldn't be as interesting without the bidding.  Well, that is certainly true given the messes some pairs get into with different systems or even simple systems.  Those do provide entertainment and good boards for the opponents when there is a partnership misunderstanding.

The experts say that half of being a good player is defense.  I would posit that the other half is figuring out what the heck partner is trying to tell you.  Actually, counting out the hand and taking the finesse for the missing Queen of Clubs (why  the Queen of Clubs is so often the critical missing card is another question I can't answer) is no challenge compared to decoding partner's bids.

Like any other group, medical people, legal people, advertising people, or media people, we bridge players have our own arcane little way of communicating or "language" which is undecipherable to outsiders.  Although, at times, we may even be inscrutable to each other, the bridge vocabulary separates us out and makes us a unique group.  I like that.  I think that is part of the charm of the game and enhances our sense of community.  Can I explain that to any non duplicate player so that it sounds sensible?   Probably not.

Stylin'

For all of you oldie readers (like me) who may not know the meaning of that new verb "stylin", here it is from the  online urban dictionary:

1. (sti-lin) slang. meaning looking good or in fashion.

2. (stiii-lin) slang. to lie, con, bluff, play or simply get-over on someone.
 
Hmm.  I know a lot of bridge players who lie, con, bluff and many who need to get over themselves but some are definitely lookin' good while playin' the game....... i.e. STYLIN' bridge.
 

I admire the women who sit in erect posture, beautifully manicured and beringged hands holding fanned cards the correct distance away for optimum viewing through whatever bifocal strength is being worn.  However, the ones who are graceful as ballet dancers in depositing the card on to the table top, amaze me.  You have noticed the ones with the slightly curved arm movement ending in a graceful flip as the card hits the table.  If I tried to do that, opponents would think I was having an arm seizure and tell my neurologist husband/partner to put me on some medication. 

 

Not so admirable are the players who toss the dummy in the general direction of the table, leaving the cards piled up, laying sideways, or in total disarray.  Being sort of a neat freak, when I first began to play, I would reach over to the opponents' dummies and straighten out whatever suit I was interested in actually seeing.  I was admonished in no uncertain terms that I was NEVER to touch someone else's dummy so now I politely ask the dummy depositor (read this any way you want to) to please arrange the cards so that we all might know what is there. 

 

I have a very wonderful occasional partner whose style is what I call, subrosa.  She holds her hand below the table top.  Whatever card appears from down below seems more of a surprise than cards coming from above. 

 

Then there is husband/partner whose method is to try to obscure in any way possible whatever card is coming out of his hand. I think, this method is designed to avoid anyone noticing his revokes.  The opponents and I have to ask him to please lay  his card on the table rather than holding on to it so that we all can share in his joy of trumping an ace (fat chance).  It's stylin' but annoyingly so.

 
I'm not even getting into the card snapping issue here.  That isn't a style.  It's just obnoxious.
 

Postures at the table vary greatly.  There are the slouchers who always seem to be trying to show that they are so far above any other player that the current oppostition bores them.  They give the impression that are barely paying attention and they don't need to.  I like whacking those guys on a board or two. 

One of my favorites to watch play is dementor Robert.  When I lay down a dummy for him, he puts his hand down, folds his arms and leans half way across the table to stare at the dummy for a while before starting play.  I never know if he can't believe what he is seeing because my bidding was so inscrutable or what?  He says he is making a plan. Okay.  We'll go with that.  I like his style.

Of course, everyone has seen the pissed off partner who slams her cards on the table, throws them at the table, or slides them across the table in disgust.  This is usually leading up to or after a partnership disagreement and we can't wait to leave those tables.  I usually mumble a thank you and try to unobtrusively slide out of my chair while they go at it.  Bad stylin'.

My least favorite style is the players who agonize over whether to play a 2 or 3 on my Ace.  Please.  Get on with it.  Along the same lines, several players stand the card to be played on end, let it sit there for some seconds, and then ever so slowly, let it drop.  I play my hand at a fairly quick pace and I know of one player who uses this method I think to try to get me off my game.  It usually works.  When the hand is played that slowly, I sometimes have trouble remembering the count.

Keep on keeping on all you stylin' bridge players.  I hope to play long enough to develop a style of my own.