Whatever Happened to Shaking Hands?

On any given day men and women and women and women at the club are greeting each other with full body contact.  Am I the only one who finds this beyond weird?  Don't answer.  Maybe it's a Texas thing.  Maybe it's a southern thing.  I know, for sure, it isn't a New York thing.  Men don't do it to each other, so, if hugging is so great, why don't they?  It's not as if the people being greeted are some long lost relatives.  Most of the time they are the loyal opponents from the day before.

I don't like being hugged by people I don't know, don't care to know, aren't close friends, or whom I actively dislike.  Therefore, I make it a blanket rule that  I don't hug anyone and the actively disliked few are thereby hidden among the many.   The Huggy Doodies don't understand this.  I call them Huggy Doodies in fond memory of cute little Howdy.  If you don't remember Howdy - google him and watch some old episodes.  They don't make 'em like that any more.  Howdy never hugged Buffalo Bob or Mr. Bluster, Clarabelle or Princess Summerfallwinterspring.  So when did it become de rigueur to hug everyone upon meeting?  Presumably sometime after 1952.

I do the stick my hand out thing as someone is coming in on a hug approach.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes I have to duck or push away.  Sometimes I have to say, "Don't ever touch me again".  That always works.  I often want to add "you slimeball" but I'm afraid that would result in another lecture from Director Tom about zero tolerance.  I think there should be zero tolerance for hugging.  I also think I would get outvoted by the Huggy Doodies.  The bottom line for me is, don't touch me, don't touch my cards and we should get along fine.  That isn't so hard, is it?

A Warning

I walked into the Bridge Club of San Antonio for my usual Tuesday game with wonderful partner, Carol, and Director Tom was raking in the funds - oh - wait - I mean he was collecting playing fees.  Yep - that was it.  Anyway, in his best megaphone can be heard across the street voice, he said, "Judy! I read your blog and I have a warning to give you".  Uh oh.  I"ve been good.  I haven't opened Flannery two diamonds without the requisite 11 to 15 points although I was sorely tempted one day with 16, but Tom was directing and I didn't dare.  I was mentally reviewing what egregious thing I had documented here which violated some arcane ACBL rule but I was coming up short.

Finally, coming to the end of the line as I patiently waited my chastisement, Tom continued in the same voice (loud enough for everyone to enjoy the story).  "I was playing a regional with a partner who removed everyone's cards from the board.  This obviously annoyed one opponent but my partner continued to do it.  Finally, the opponent with red face, grimace, and muscles tensed said, "I CAN REMOVE MY OWN CARDS FROM THE BOARD.  DON'T TOUCH THEM!"

I said, "Oh great, it's not just me then".  Tom then ended the story with the tag line; "Yeah, and the guy died two weeks later so watch out!"  At that time, David the card pullerouter walked by and I said, "David, I have to rethink this again."  He knew I didn't mean it.

Bridge Fun

The following is slightly raunchy so, if you are an easily offended type, don't read it.

There are three or four men (always men do this; no women) who pull everyone's hand out from the board to be played.  This always annoyed me and I can't really tell you why.  I suspect it's my grandfather, the killer diller poker player of the Hastings on Hudson Protection Engine Company Volunteer Fire Dept. game, who says in my head "Jude!  Don't ever let anyone touch your cards".

I have retrained three of the offenders to leave my hand alone.  The other is Director Everette and, as far as I am concerned, he can do anything he wants with my cards any time.  Yesterday, partner/director/friend Paula and I were playing against one of the men who went ahead and pulled my hand from the board.  I gave him the Ms. Judith look and he said, "Oh shoot, Judy, I forgot".  I humphed a little just so he wouldn't forget next time.  It was a beautiful hand, 14 points and a great major.  Partner and I rolled a game easily.

I said to the offender, "Gee David, maybe I need to rethink this card pulling thing".  Next board, he left my hand in its pocket and I pulled out a stinker with two jacks.  On the third board, David pulled out all hands but mine and I looked at him and said, "Okay David - pull it out".  Not missing a beat, he said, "That's the first time a woman has ever asked me to pull it out".  I said, "That's the biggest lie I've ever heard".  David was gasping for air between gales of laughter and the rest of us were trying unsuccessfully to keep the noise down but didn't succeed too well.

Actually, people said it was nice to hear other players having fun rather than carping at each other.  It was a total bridge disaster of a day, but, as always when Paula is my partner, we have a great time and laugh a lot.  That is the way it should be. 

Inexplicable

I am usually not much of an optimist about human nature in general, BUT, I can't even imagine that someone would get out of bed in the morning and head off for the bridge club thinking to themselves, "Today, I am going to drop a big blob of misery into one of my fellow bridge players' life".  Maybe some people do and this is the only explanation for the behavior I see or, perhaps, I'm just not smart enough to figure out the real reason this stuff happens.

Partner/husband and I were defending a hand when the declarer called for the good King of Clubs from the board.  He pulled the five of hearts, a trump, out of his hand, exposed it, and the card hit the table but did not detach from his hand.  He then said, "Oh, I didn't mean to do that" and put the card back into his hand.  I pointed out that the card had been played and he said, "No, it never touched the table" (like that matters).  I called the director.  The gentleman proceeded to explain his version that the card hadn't touched the table and, as I was about to disagree with that, he looked at me and said, "Well, maybe it did but it never left my hand".  The director ruled that the card had been played.

The gentleman (and I use the term only in the polite sense since he is clearly not) then growled in my direction, "You must really need masterpoints".  I replied, "Sir, you either play the game by the rules or you don't play".  He then regrowled, "Yep, you need those points; I can smell it".  My hand shot up and I called the director back to the table.  I asked her to tell the man to stop bothering me.  She directed him to cease all conversation with me.  He replied, "Don't worry about it.  I don't want to talk to HER".

This is one of the reasons I wouldn't make a good director.  I would have fined the SOB 3 matchpoints just for that. 

Later, I overheard him discussing the incident with his partner.  He asked partner if he had seen the exposed card and partner said that he had.  The player then said, "Well, I guess I didn't have a leg to stand on, did I" and his partner agreed that he hadn't.  Do you think grumpy old man wandered my way at any time that day and offered an apology?  Nope.  What I really don't understand is why people partner with someone who is so obviously obnoxious.  If all of us refused to play with people who violate zero tolerance, wouldn't the bridge world be a nice place to live?