Perfectly Perfect

At the Rockport sectional last weekend, held in Port Aransas instead of Rockport, a very nice lady told me this story.

Her partner was in the balancing seat and paused for a while before passing.  The opponent started in; "Do you agree that was a prolonged pause? Do you?  She took a longer than usual time to pass."  The lady agreed that was so but it made no difference since no one else could bid anyway after her pass.

On the next hand, her partner who has limited club playing experience, forgot to alert new minor forcing.  After the bidding was over, the same person asked "Was that new minor forcing? Was it? Do you admit your partner failed to alert it? Do you?"  Again, the lady politely agreed.

The third hand, partner failed to announce transfer.  To no one's surprise, the same player said, "Was that a transfer?  Was it?  Do you admit that your partner failed to announce it? Do you?"

The nice lady then responded, "Yes, I will admit to everything you have said if you will admit there is a perfect asshole at this table."

As the story made its way around the room, the nice lady was high fived and called "my hero" by many, including me since I had played against the same obnoxious person for three straight days.

It may violate zero tolerance, but I cheered her response.

How to Fire a Partner

Husband/partner and I, along with friend/partners Jay and Paula, took a road trip to the Rockport Sectional last weekend.  It was held in Port Aransas due to the fact that the genius's in Rockport had double booked the facility used regularly, twice a year, for the sectional.  Husband/partner programmed the GPS and named the new destination Port A bridge.  As we arrived at the site, the GPS announced "Arriving at porta bridge on right".  We played somewhat better than porta potty bridge which immediately became our name for the tournament.

One of the opponents was discussing how many partnership problems seemed to be occuring in the room.  She was thinking about writing a book on how to fire one's partner.  Here are some hints.

10.     Change your phone number and email address and don't tell anyone.

9.      Tell partner that he/she is so much better than you are that they should find a better partner who is more at their level.

8.      Say that you are quitting bridge.  When you show up again, say that you changed your mind.

7.       Use the difference in your "styles" to discuss incompatibility.  The fact that you can't stand their personal habits at the table or other personal idiosyncracies need not be brought up since these are covered under "style" differences.

6.       Totally book yourself with other partners.

5.       Take on a mentee or three who will take up all of your available time.

4.        Say that you are "cutting back" on bridge time and, sadly, games with you are the ones to go.

3.        Tell partner that you have decided to play only with A players to improve your game.  Then beg any and every A player for a play date.  Good luck with that one.

2.         There is always the truth - be up front with partner and have the guts to be honest.   This is almost a last resort.

1.          Move.  This is last resort.

Between Times

Top Ten things bridge players do between rounds (with apologies to Letterman).


10.  Disappear into the bathroom for ten minutes (this occurs only if the player is late finishing last board and is dealer on the first board of his next table).

9.  Part A:  Castigate partner for not remembering that the 2 and 3 of clubs in dummy were good or otherwise discuss the previous boards but only if the round has been called for over five minutes and the next east west player is looming over the chair unnoticed by the oblivious occupant .
     Part B:  Go over the hand just played, complete with spreading the cards on the table. This is only done by chronically late pairs who are chronically late because they do this after every hand.

8.  Part A: Congratulate partner for playing a hand well when the contract was made on a mistake by the opposition.  
      Part B:  Tell the opposing player that if had only played his Ace, the singleton king of trump would have dropped or deliver any other newsflashes designed to make another player feel like an idiot.

7.   Check cell phone for messages, texts,  a new game in Words with Friends, or knock off some nasty pigs with angry birds.

6.   Catch up on family members, travels, pets and other life events which make us a community.  It's amazing how much one learns about other players in the minutes between rounds. 

5.  Discuss newest health issues and medications or ask the doctor or nurse at the table for an opinion.  Husband/partner and I are happy to oblige but only if we finish the round early. 

4.  Set up future  bridge dates.  Phone vs. paper calendars; the jury is still out.

3.   Discuss Politics. When I am north, I ban political discussions at my table. Should a player persist, I leave the table and ask them to call me when they are finished with the discussion/opinionating which, usually, is opposite my leanings.

2.  Whine about what a bad game you are having (my personal fave).

and always Number One:

Graze the food table.

Biig Al, In Remembrance

Biig Al passed away today.  He died as he lived which was mostly by himself.  I like to think that he considered me a friend, but, I really don't know.  I do know that, as a new player, he was very protective of me and did not allow intimidation tactics by my much more skilled and knowledgeable opponents.  I know that, in this age of zero tolerance, we can't even imagine older players being horrible to newbies but, I can assure you, five years ago, it was still happening.  My partner today had never played in the "big" club game and everyone in the room was kind and patient.  That was really nice.  Biig Al would not have allowed anything else were he directing.

 

That isn't to say that he didn't give me a truckload of grief when I bid a four card suit for the second time or on the two level.  He was my unofficial mentor those first two years.  Officially, his partner, Robert was my real mentor but Al played as my partner often.  I once asked him how it was for him, a major league bridge dude, to play with someone as low level as I was at the time. He answered, "Well, if you really want to know, it's boring".  That's probably because I didn't play Al and Robert's esoteric Italian Blue Club System.  The joke around the club was that no one ever knew what their bids meant and neither did they.  Not true, of course, since they often won.

 

He used to come over for dinner once in a while and critique whatever I had cooked.  He knew his way around a stove and, whatever I cooked got better if he helped - at least the critique improved.  Gradually, a couple of years ago, he stopped playing as much bridge and he didn't return my requests to set up games.  He said that he just couldn't think as well as he used to and, I think, was embarrassed when he made mistakes in our game.  He had volatile, unstable diabetes and, recently, kidney failure.  One of those things would mess up my thinking.  I can't even imagine what both would do.

 

Recently, he had come back to the club a few times to play and, just last week, had donated a bookcase and his bridge books to the club.  I asked him why and he said he was moving when his lease was up in November.  I assume that he wanted a ground floor apartment.  Those stairs he had to climb could not have been easy for him.

 

I am glad that he didn't end up on machines in a critical care unit somewhere.  He would have been pulling his lines out and hollering at everyone to get him out of there.  I have spent many years in those places and wouldn't want anyone I care about to end their days there.  He died in his apartment, probably with the two stray cats he adopted, hopefully, in peace.  I shall miss him and always think of him when I misplay yet another no trump hand.  That should be often.

 

How is Moving Like Bridge?

We have "moved house" as they say in England. I not only moved "house", I moved husband/partner and two cats. Surprisingly, the cats adapted better than husband/partner. This should not have been such a shock. After all, when I suggest that we look at Lebensol, his usual response is, "What's wrong stolen bid doubles? Everybody that plays Lebensol gets into bidding misunderstandings." You can imagine the response to "Let's sell the house and move." Are you kidding? However, like our wonderful partnership, he compromised and we moved. Actually, our old house sold overnight, and we bought our new downsized garden home the next day. For a guy who likes a nice, well planned 3 NT hand which rolls in an orderly, well thought out fashion, this was chaos. At warp speed, like my usual play of the hand, I was on the phone to vendors of all sorts organizing the moving out and in process. I like to think I play my hand in a similar organized manner but, my better opponents and partners point out that the warp speed factor often results in disorganization instead. Begrudgingly, I have to admit they are correct. The problem is, if I go slower, I lose count of something. I'm not going into what I misplaced in the move and still haven't found. I'm not sure speed was the total problem though. So, I haven't played much bridge for about 7 weeks. However, we did go to the Austin Fourth of July Regional for a few games. My favorite line of the week was in a Swiss game. After the first round, I went to our next assigned table where the previous occupants continued to reside. I politely pointed out that the assignments for the next round were on the machines. The guy looked at me and said, "You mean we have to MOVE??" He wasn't kidding.   I guess it was his first Swiss.

Obsession

People often ask me how often I play and, when this question comes up, I am a little embarrassed to admit that I have a game four or five times a week. I don't tell them that, when a day comes up with no partner scheduled, I feel a mild sort of anxiety. One of my friend/partners admitted that she is thinking about cutting back on her playing a bit. The conversation went something like this:

"I'm thinking of cutting back on bridge."

I answered, "I've been giving that some thought myself."

She said, "Maybe three times a week. No wait, maybe four. Except for tournaments of course. I want you and I to get to a twice monthly game. Then I have games set up for....."

Addiction? Obsession? It's hard to say. Certainly, the lure of bridge with its intermittent reward system works the same way that gambling does. We keep returning to the game thinking that next time we will do really well. Luckily, with bridge, I don't lose money like I do in the penny slots or the blackjack machines. If that were the case, I'd be totally broke after four years of mostly losing. However, I keep going back. So does my friend and so does husband/partner who is in a persistent slump. I think it is interesting that all three of us are thinking about spending less time at the bridge club at roughly the same point in our bridge careers, although my friend has been at it longer than I.

We talked about all the projects around the house we never seem to get to. We called each other yesterday when neither of us played and found that we had the same sort of day; cleaned out closets, puttered about in the yard; and thoroughly enjoyed the nice almost spring like day. We agreed that we should allow ourselves those kind of days more often than we seem to. Cut back on bridge time to do that? Yet to be determined.

Crabbiness

Here is the question of the day - does crabbiness violate zero tolerance?  The queen of crabbiness, Lucy, in the Charlie Brown comic strip, makes people smile.  So, when an opponent gives me an unasked for lesson as in, "You should have thought about cross roughing that hand" when I was down one, do you think it would make him smile if I replied, "When I decide to take lessons, I'll be sure not to call you"? 

When the opponent gets up to move to the next table and says, "We couldn't have made our five hearts.  Their six clubs was a bad sacrifice" wouldn't you think it might make them happier when I say, "If you could count your tricks, you would know you just got a bottom board"?  No smiles in either case but I felt better.

One of my opponents yesterday came to our table toward the end of the match, whining about the scarcity of good hands east/west.  She was right.  There were three slams north/south yesterday and only partial games east/west.  She admitted to being crabby.  In her case, even crabby, she is nice.  In my case, I turn into a sarcastic snarl machine.

It has always been a bridge mystery to me why opponents feel free to make comments about my game or give me lessons about what I should or should not have done.  In what other venue does that happen?  Do you think Tim Duncan, during a time out, goes to the opponents' bench to give them advice about their defense? 

 I imagine that bridge players think they are "helping".  I love the great players who say, "Would you like to know what you did wrong on that hand?"  I gratefully accept their mini lesson.  It is never the great players who, unasked, start to expound on what you should or should not have done.  It is always mediocre or poor players who do this and they are often wrong. 

Worse yet are those who say, "If she had led a heart we would have been down two" or "They could have made 5 on that."    Do I want to hear that?  No.  Do I know it already? Yes.  Does it sound like gloating which I hate?  Yes.  I often say, "There is a no gloating zone around this table."  The answer is usually, "I wasn't gloating, just stating a fact".  My answer is, "Go state it somewhere else because, if I can hear it, it qualifies as gloating". 

Have I violated zero tolerance?  Have they?  Maybe Lucy can tell me when the psychiatrist is in; five cents please.

The Bridge Clinic

Husband/partner and I have discussed hanging out a shingle in the corner of one of the clubs.  The men ask to see partner/husband after the game to talk about a variety of male related problems (think prostate) and the women often ask to speak to me to explain, in everyday terms, what the doctor has told them which they didn't understand.

One day, an elderly woman stopped play in the middle of the hand complaining of chest pressure.  Partner/husband attended to her and recommended that we call EMS.   She said, "It feels just like my last heart attack" and continued to finish the game, refusing any thought of EMS.  He recommended that she go to the nearest emergency room after the game.  She said, "I'm going home."  He said, "You may die on the way home."  Her answer?  "So what?"  She finally did go to an E.R. near her home where they plopped another stent into her chest and she is back playing, of course.

Another player asked me to explain why her doctor said that a cardiac ablation is more dangerous than severing the electrical connections in the heart and inserting a pacemaker.  That was an easy one, since I had that choice myself last year.

My former teacher,  Wayne, had serious heart problems and a very long recovery.  He is now back playing and winning, of course. 

Here is my point; sadly,  the bridge population is aging and with that, there seem to be more and more age related illnesses among us.  My Tuesday partner is in rehab for the foreseeable future and I miss her greatly.  I'm leaving my Tuesday's open pending her return.  I told her that everyone at the club misses her and wishes her well.  Her last words to me, as I left her hospital room, were, "Tell them I'll be back!"

I really admire the men and women who, through unbelievable adversity, come back to the game. If that is what keeps them going, then bridge is more valuable than I imagined.  I know that bridge is supposed to be good for the aging process; keeping the brain active and all of that hoo ha.  However, most of my exercise these days is playing east/west and walking table to table.   I really need to get back to working out to keep the bad stuff away as long as possible.  Oh well.  Off to Houston for the regional later today.  I hear they have a workout room at the hotel.  I wonder if I will use it?

Happy New Year 2012

Several readers have been asking if I have given up the blog.  Nope.  I just haven't written anything in about a month.  Blog resolution for this year:  one blog a month at least; more if anything funny happens.  Friends/partners Jay and Paula went to Reno again with us over Christmas week.  Club manager Laurie and her husband joined us.  The six of us met early at the airport and chatted before boarding the Southwest Greyhound bus in the sky.... I mean airplane.  We deplaned in Denver for a 2 hour or so layover and Laurie called to ask where we were.  Paula told her to come meet us in concourse B in an eatery for lunch.  Laurie said, "How do you have time for lunch?  Our plane boards in 20 minutes?"  It was then that we began to wonder why we hadn't seen Laurie and her husband on board or deplaning.  They were in Las Vegas.  Who says bridge players are brilliant?

I am about 20 points away from 500 and the dreaded B designation.  Along those lines, one of my fave opponents, Barbara, asked why I was still writing a newbie blog.  I gave her the Biig Al answer that I don't know much of anything about bridge so the title should stay the same.  Speaking of Biig Al, I was sitting in the club prior to the game today getting agreement on a card with a new partner, Terry.  Al wandered over and wanted to know where we were sitting.  I said, "I don't know Al.  When we get done talking we will take whatever spot is open."  Al wandered off.  Five minutes later he was back stating that he had saved us 8 North/South.  Of course, he and his partner were at 8 East/West and I am absolutely sure that he figured he would start against us with three good boards.  The first one probably was when I didn't bid a slam I should have known was there.  However, they went down one on the second board and my partner bid a 6 club slam on the third board and made it.  We aren't sure he should have but it made me happy and Biig Al not so happy.  He growled as he left, "You two should have a great game today since we started you off with three good boards".  We did.  Thanks Al.

Jeri, the mentor/mentee program maven, guilted me into taking a mentee.  I still don't think I am a very good teacher and don't really  know enough about bridge to help myself much less anyone else but she was in desperate need and I am delighted that there are enough new players coming into the game that she needs so many mentors.  I felt obligated to help out.  My mentee and I had our first game at a pro/am game last night.  We managed to get .22 part of a masterpoint so, that bodes well for the partnership.  I like mentee Mary Lou and I'm hoping that we both will have fun together this year and help each other out;  she getting table time and me learning to teach someone something (not one of my strengths).  So, today Mary Lou played with her regular partner, Laura, and came in first North South.  I told her she didn't need me as a mentor - she beat me.  She said, "If we tell people I came in first after one game with you, you will have newbies lined up down the street to play with you".  Uh oh.  Maybe no one will read this far.

It's the little joys like that which keep me coming back plus the absolute love of the game.  I wish all of my readers many masterpoints in 2012 before the Mayans do us in next December.  Most point getter by the end of the world wins.