Pet Peeves

I have been playing long enough now to have developed some decided likes and dislikes; most of them petty.  I have been asking fellow players about their pet peeves but most of the answers I received are unprintable.

A list of mine and a few others follows:

1.     Following someone who leaves the bidding box a total mess.  These people hide the 4 heart card between the 1 club and 1 diamond card, bury the alert cards, leave the pass cards upside down and backwards and otherwise make bridge life miserable for the person behind them.  Okay, maybe I'm a little obsessive compulsive.  Okay, maybe a lot, but really, isn't bridge stressful enough without having to spend the whole round searching for the proper card?  Really? How hard is it to put things back where they belong? 

2.     Then there are the guys who throw their bids, the dummy, and their cards as they play them on to the table.  I don't mean just sort of toss them out there.  I mean they throw their stuff around with great forcefulness.  I was playing against a guy doing just that the other day so, I started pounding my cards down too.  He didn't notice.  Sigh.

3.     There are people of both sexes (just so you don't think I'm just picking on guys) who, when they are about to take a trick, arc out the Ace or whatever card is a winner as if they were opening the envelope and taking out the name to present an academy award.  Please; get over it.  Just put your card down like you usually do.  We don't need a trumpet fanfare or ruffles and flourishes just because you are winning the trick.

4.     The worst of my peeves are the gloaters.  I don't mind a "nicely played partner" - no problem.  I do mind hearing that if only the opposition had played and/or held on to a card, the contract would have been set.  I do mind the opponents saying, "Great board partner, they should have made 6".  Please; I usually know when I have screwed up since I do it often enough.  Saying stuff like that is just down and dirty rude. 

5.     Players who ask me, after the hand is over and put back in the board or worse, after we have played four boards, "How many clubs did you have on that first hand?"  Like I remember?  Are you kidding? I can barely remember the count during the hand much less three hands later.

6.     Players who go into the tank on every bid.  Why can't you think ahead?  If my partner or the oppostion does this, I will do that.  Admittedly, sometimes the hands are so odd and the bidding so mysterious, that a visit to the tank is needed but, really, 1 NT, tank; 1 heart 2 hearts, tank?  There are a limited number of options.  Pick one and get on with it.

7.     Players who leave empty cups, food, wrappers, iced tea, used napkins or, worse yet, Kleenex around their recently vacated chair.  They move on to the next table but their detritus remains behind as a not so fond memory of their presence.  I have often heard from the club managers that bridge players are slobs.  If I were a club manager I would say to the offender, "Your Mommy isn't around any more.  Pick up after yourself".  I guess I wouldn't have too many players at my club though.

Please add any of your fave peeves to the comments section.   Thanks for reading.  I feel better already!

How is Bridge Like Boxing?

One of my major character flaws is that I like big time wrestling.  Yes, yes, I know it's all an act but I used to enjoy boxing too.  My Dad used to say, "Hey Jude, the fights are on" and we would settle in to listen to Rocky Marciano on the radio and later on T.V.  Remember the show girl looking babes who, after the bell had done its clang, clang, clang thing and the boxers went to their corners, would stroll around the ring with large placards with the next round number on them?  As I recall, these chicks balanced precariously on 6 inch stilletto heels and didn't have too much clothing to get in the way of showing off  a whole lot of cleavage.  They fascinated me.  I figured that I would never look like them and I was correct.   I haven't watched a boxing match in a while.  I wonder if they still exist?

Club director, Jay, has a voice which, shall we say, carries well.  To call each round, he says, "EVERYBODY MOVE FOR ROUND SIX; ROUND SIX!!!"  For some reason, each time he does it I am reminded of the boxing announcers and I can see those strutting gals.  I have proposed to some of my female partners that we get some posterboard, ink in some numbers, and when Jay calls the round, that we take the appropriate number and march around the club.  Jay says we can do this only if we wear bikinis.  None of my chicken female partners agreed even when I noted that all of us need the exercise.  It was pointed out that the lack of exercise and eating too many club snacks is exactly why we shouldn't parade around scantily clad.  Maybe so.  Putting on a bathing suit to go out in the backyard is about my limit anyway.

The Harem

Husband/partner and 92 year old Bill have in depth baseball conversations about the Phillies and the Braves.  One day, as I was walking into the club and holding the door for Bill he said, "I have a question to ask you."  I replied loud enough for everyone inside to hear since Bill is a little deaf, "If it's about the Phillies, I can't help you."  Laughter from the audience inside.   "No", he said, "it's not about the Phillies.  I need a partner on Monday and wondered if you were free".

The rumor around the club is that Bill plays only with women partners.  These women were named "The Harem" by friend/partner Rebecca who is a member.  Rebecca has been spending a lot of time recently doing grandmother duty so, out of desperation I think, Bill asked if I were available to play. I, of course, jumped at the chance.  Even a substitute harem gig is better than no harem gig at all.

During the first game, one of the opponents noticed the new harem member and said to Bill, "I hear you have only  women bridge partners."  Bill said, "That just isn't true".  The opponent said, "Okay - what guys do you have as partners?"  Bill thought for a moment and then said, "I  like only to have nice people as partners".  What an interesting statement on so many levels.

Our first game wasn't great - in the 40s somewhere; very unlike Bill's usual 62 percent or so.  The second time we played, he gave me a talk before the start of the game.  He said, "I expect to score above 60 percent.  I will accept in the 50s as an okay day.  Any score in the 40s is a practice session."  We had another practice session.  Oh well.  He said he will be free again sometime in July so, the sixties remain a hope.

Meanwhile, the very computer savvy Bill had written up all his helpful hints from his years of playing into a Word file.  He printed it and  gave me a folder full of golden wisdom.  He is my shining example of everything a bridge player should be.  I was and am honored to be a part of Bill's harem.