New Orleans

July in New Orleans?  Are we totally  nuts?  Not only that, a low pressure system is headed toward the Big Easy on Sunday, the day we fly in.  Yesterday, Craig the Magic Hair Dude (magic because he makes my hair look great for about an hour until I mess it up) asked me why we were going to New Orleans.  When I told him, he asked me what I get if we win.  I said, "Gold Points".  He said, "Oh great - how much do you get for them when you turn them in?"  If only.  When I explained it was a title/standing/ego driven thing he was beyond perplexed as any lover of Vegas would be.

With any luck, we will be intrepidly boarding a Southwest flight on Sunday with friend Rebecca.  Bring on Tropical Storm Bonnie!  I hope the Marriott's windows don't blow out in the middle of my 7NT hand.

Thick Skin

You have to have the impervious hide of a rhino to play successful bridge.  The opponents will do anything to get under your skin and throw off your game.  Little do they know that I can throw off my own game without their help. 

My partner, today, friend Rebecca bid 2 diamonds.  I left her there and she made four.  At the end of play, I said, "making four" and heard 3 agreements from the others.  We folded up the hand, returned it to the board and I was sorting the next hand when left hand opponent said, "Wait a minute, making four?  She only made three."  Her partner said, "I had four".  I said, "I was certain I was correct in my call that she made four".  The director was called.  Left hand opponent then tried to explain to the director what tricks she had taken during the play.  I disputed that she had taken a second club trick.  At that point she said to the director, "Well, if they are going to be dishonest about it!"

Now, you can question my bridge playing ability (I often do), you can question why I continue to play the game, and you can question my choice of partners/friends or personality but you can NOT question my honesty.  I told left hand opponent that I was offended by her remark.  The director mostly unsuccessfully tried to quiet me down and ruled in our favor since the hand had been returned to the board and even left hand opponent's own partner told her it was too late to challenge.

I was still steamed and later told her that she owed me an apology, explaining that we can get things wrong and disagree but that in no way means that we are trying to be dishonest about what happened.  I told her that I would never think she was being dishonest if we disagreed about tricks taken.  She turned her back without speaking and left my detested presence.

This may be the end.  I said my piece.  I let my feelings be known to the offender.  If she is such a small person that she can not see how she offended nor that she owes the partnership an apology, then it is probably futile to try to make her understand normal social mores much less appropriate table behavior.  I have a fairly thick skin but she found the one microscopic pore which set me off.  Congratulations.

Mining for Gold

Two year ago, in the Austin regional, when we had two or three black points and not much in our bidding arsenal, we finally, on the last day of the event, made a partial red point.  I remember going out into the hallway whooping it up that we had scored.  Yesterday, we came back from the same event with 12.5 gold and 3 red.  Progress do you think?  Well maybe.

The weirdest thing that happened during a week of very weird stuff, was awaking Saturday morning to husband/partner wanting to talk about a dream he had during the night.  I said, "I had a weird dream too - you go first."  He started, "We were in a restaurant and I flicked at your gold earring and it fell on the floor.  I spent hours crawling around under tables looking for it."  My turn, "That's strange.  I had a dream about my gold earrings too.  I was visiting someone and took off the earrings  to take a shower and couldn't find them when I dried off."  I was of the opinion that someone was robbing our house and taking my jewelry while we were away.  Husband/partner thought that the hours (not to mention dollars) we had spent the whole week looking for gold points was sublimated into our collective unconscious and symbolized by the gold earrings.  I hate it when he is right.  I guess we have been married way too long when we have similar dreams.

In other regional news, as I walked in one morning, I was greeted by great player Ira.  He was standing by the door and he and his two buddies were laughing uproariously.  I had the uncomfortable feeling that it was directed at me.  It was.  Ira said, "I was telling these guys about the "Judy boards" I played in San Diego to drop in the standings.  As my friend Barbara the native Texan says: "DANG"!!!

We were in the worst pairs game ever (in our two year history).  It wasn't just our score that was bad (it was) but the pairs wouldn't move.  One of everyone's fave directors, Scott, was ready to tear his hair out.  He got on the mike several times asking people to move along to no avail whatsoever.  As our usual luck would have it, we were behind the slowest of the slow; two novices.  Now, being one myself, I'm usually pretty patient with any novice but these guys had no clue.  Director Scott reminded them that they needed to finish each board in about 7 minutes.  One of them said, "Really?  No one told us THAT!"  Meanwhile they continued doing their nails instead of moving.  Okay, that's a small exaggeration - very small.  I don't really know what the heck they were doing.  The next time Director Scott got on the mike he said, we are renaming this event the "Not so fast pairs".  It should have been slower than slow pairs.  He finally gave everyone an extra 10 or 15 minutes on the clock.  They STILL didn't catch up.  It was truly horrible.  There were late play boards everywhere.  I was feeling really sorry for Director Scott and told him I would bring a box of Valium to the next regional - for him - not the players.  They don't need any further help slowing down.

Seen around the hotel.

Two women from my home club with a tray full of vodka martini shooters.  We left the bar before we found out if they finished them.

The drama queen who sighed and shifted and in other ways gave signals to her partner that she was conflicted.  She was not as young as she pretended to be and my partner was ready to slap her silly.  If we had to play against her again, we asked the guys to switch with us.  Luckily, we didn't.

A guy in the Swiss with a red, white and blue balloon thing on his head.  Distracting the opponents? 

The wife who was wretchedly horrible to her husband.  We couldn't even feel too sorry for him because he brought it on himself by whining about what a bad player he was compared to her.  Her reponse was, "Oh STOP it!" and then complaining about his bidding on the next hand.  We had to play eight hands against them in the Swiss but it was worth it since we blitzed them and scored all 30 victory points.  Maybe he was secretly helping us.  I wouldn't blame him.

So that's about it for the Austin regional this year.  It's a great event, filled with friends and fun and great and not so great bridge like any other tournie.  I did one great thing.  The bidding went 1 spade by me and 4 spades by my partner.  I went to 6 spades with a 2 suited black hand and two red singletons.  It made and I felt, just for one short moment, like Ira.  He says he would have made 7. 

We really appreciate the four B players who helped us get to the semis in two KO rounds and get some gold.  They are a great example of wonderful players who help us newbies along on our journey so thanks to my sometime partner, Paula, Steve's sometime partner, Jay, and Phil and Phyllis,  friends from our club.

So now at least when people ask "How much gold do you need?" instead of hanging my head and saying "All of it", I can joyfully say "About 11".  On to New Orleans.  I'll keep you posted.

Terms NOT of Endearment

After a nice game with an A player who has kindly consented to be your partner and you score a 59% game, you don't want to be asked:

"Isn't it great when you play up with those A players?  They really carry you." 

Your A player partner suggests that she is a little tired after the round.  You don't want to hear from another (B by the way) player:

"Playing with these C players is exhausting, isn't it?"

Your husband/partner makes a really terrible bid and puts you in an unmakeable contract.  You don't want to hear a lecture from the opposition toward husband/partner on how he should have bid. 

I"m just sayin'!

Directionally Challenged

Co North is what friend/partner Rebecca calls me when we play together.  We are both somewhat controlling and both of us are happy when we are in charge of things.  You would think that wouldn't make for a great partnership/friendship but it does.  I don't like keeping score so, when we play together,  Rebecca sits north.  I flip boards while she is scoring, deliver boards to the next table and check pair numbers.  It works for us and it started me thinking about where people usually sit.

West people are the types who say "Good try partner" when partner goes down 4 doubled and vulnerable.  They never argue with a director's call, say thanks when they leave the table and are the models of the zero tolerance policy.

They mysterious easts, on the other hand, are inscrutable.  They wear caps hiding faces which are expressionless.  They never hitch when the opposition bids the suit in which they have six cards.  They give away nothing and love trap passes.

Souths are as variable as southern weather;  sometimes hot; sometimes windy.  The ones who go on and on about the last hand leaving co norths to say "next board folks" sit south.  Director calls and arguments come from the south like a low pressure system building up or the south may be clear and sunny.  You just never know.

These, of course, are gross generalizations but the north in charge personality is a reality, at least in friend/partner Rebecca's case and in mine.  GO  co norths!

In other news, partner/husband and I made it over 200 points, grabbed all the silver we need in Austin last weekend and now are making a concerted effort to earn red and find a gold  mine.  Good luck with that, right?

Annoying Man

We have a family joke about husband/partner who is a great talker and tends to go on about things such as asking the kids and me in several different ways what they are doing about something.  We coined the term "annoying man" when he does this and son, Greg,  made up an  "annoying man" sign: i.e. thumbs together and forefingers touching above,  making the letter A. 

Last week, husband/partner was in his Chatty Kathy mode (CK for short) and was completely ignoring the fact that he was dealer.  After I pointed this out to him and he kept talking, I showed the opponents the annoying man sign.  The next day husband/partner, with one of his fave partners, Barney,  sat down against the same opponents and made the mistake of opening a conversation.   Opponent Carol immediately whipped out the annoying man sign. 

I am thinking I need to feel more guilty and laugh less but maybe not.

Two Over One? Maybe!

I read the Two over One book over the past few weeks and, today, I am going to try two over one and one no trump forcing when friend/partner, Rebecca, and I play.  I told friend/partner Fran yesterday that I was ready to start using that system (having aced the end of chapter quizzes in the book which I know means nothing in real world play) and she promptly told me she wanted to use new minor forcing also.  After a quick explanation, I said I would make every effort to remember it.  Of course, I blew the system twice but Fran is nice and patient and said she will make more play dates with me for which I am always grateful.  Only once did one no trump forcing come up and, of course, I failed to announce it having forgotten it completely.  Oh well, try, try again today.

Rebecca invited me to join a small group of very good bridge players who, twice  month, magically travel to bridgemaster Wayne's world for lessons.  They had been together for quite some time prior to my joining and I am struggling to catch up. They are also way better than I am.   Much of the material is so complex that I just can't process it, but, I'm thinking that if I just listen for a while, maybe it will start to make sense.  To my great surprise, some of it is and on the last quiz I didn't get EVERYTHING wrong which was progress.  Husband/partner is worried that the new stuff which I'm starting to learn will screw up our partnership.  I keep assuring him that isn't possible but, actually, we have been doing much better together and planning some KOs in New Orleans to attempt to get some of that mythical gold. 

I have somehow scrabbled my way up to 195 points.  I never thought I would ever get even near 200 and life master, at the start, seemed an impossibility.  If any newbies out there are still reading this sporadic blog, hang in there.  As all of the great players and masters told us at the beginning, table time pays off as well as classes, reading tons of bridge books and Mike Lawrences's counting program.  I only wish I had the time to start a new quilt project.  Maybe next year.

Where have you been?

That's the question recently from our usual opponents at the club.  Husband/partner contracted a severe cold after we returned home from the germ factory; I mean cruise ship.  The week after that, I got it.  The week after that (bad timing), the renovation team started deconstructing husband/partner's circa 1970 odious green bathroom.  So, that was 3 weeks of no bridge except for an occasional night game and the Austin sectional where, on Saturday, three of us were sleep deprived after reaching the finals of the Friday knockout and the fourth team member had previously mentioned bad cold.  I was feeling guilty that we had given it to her.  Anyway, mixed results in Austin.

Obviously, no bridge, no blog and I'm getting complaints.  To sign off today, here are my newest bridge laws:

If you absolutely can't wait to take a bathroom break one moment longer, you have just played a slow pair and you are the dealer on the next board.  It never fails.

If your partner bids a club and you have 6 points, the 2 and 3 of clubs, and no suit,  and if you put on your big boy or girl panties and bid 1 NT, you get left there always. 

If you think to yourself, "Wow, we seem to be having a good game today"; the next pair to play will be the AX Hessels and you go down in flames.  The bridge goddess loves to take away all hope and any whiff of cockiness is grounds for zero boards as punishment.

My fave game tonight, the pro AM at Turtle Creek.  Husband/partner and I are about 20 points away from not being AMs any more (200 is the cutoff for that game).  I am playing with former dementor Robert and husband/partner with Biig Al.  I may let you know how it goes but probably not.

David and Lisa

"Pervert, Pervert, Pervert" yelled newest bridge hall of famer, David Berkowitz, who, at that moment, was standing behind husband/partner's chair looking at his hand and what he had bid.  All heads turned toward our table and everyone started laughing.  We were below decks on the Voyager of the Seas in a conference room taking a lesson from David and his wife, Lisa, both very fine teachers.  Several days prior, David had stated emphatically that anyone who bid a five card suit twice was a pervert.  This was the second time he had caught husband/partner doing just that.  David picked up husband/partner's 2 diamond bid, put it back in the box and slapped down one no trump.  He walked away shaking his head.

By far the coolest bridge classes are on cruise ships.  No contest.  Hands down winner.  My cruise loving daughter thinks I'm nuts to go on a cruise and play bridge in a room below decks with no view of anything except fellow bridge nuts.  What she doesn't get is that I'm almost beyond the point of zip lines although I might try the rock wall next time.  I wonder if I can hold my cards with a cast on one arm?

Prior to the cruise, husband/partner and I had been having a bit of a point drought again.  We were scoring points with other partners but not with each other.  My theory is that we came along at the same rate, learned the same stuff, didn't learn the same stuff and therefore have the same weaknesses in our game.  Playing with others who can offset those weaknesses allows us to score more frequently.  It's only a theory.

 I was anxious about playing together for a whole week and, sure enough, at the first round, we had a dismal 32%.  We had played in the open pairs and after that performance, moved into the 299er group and started placing.  Directors for the games were Steve and Darlene Shirey from Ft. Worth; wonderful, funny, warm people with great judgement and terrific interpersonal skills.  Steve planned the last game of the trip so that each pair would play one round with either David or Lisa.  He asked us to move to the open pairs so that the numbers would work out.  I always do what directors' request and have found that I am usually rewarded.  We had a 57.5% game and felt really great about that.

The next day, Saturday, Swiss teams were scheduled.  We teamed up with fellow 199ers Jackie and Ben.  Ben is in his 80s and a killer player with about 150 points but lots of rubber bridge years behind him.  Jackie, an extremely bright woman, had a birthday while we were cruising but I'm not giving  out her age.  She had just topped out her masterpoints at 5 the week prior.  She played well but Ben was patiently teaching her duplicate bidding throughout the week.  Their obvious affection for each other was lovely.  Husband/parnter and I made our way down to deck 2 having a conversation about limited expectations and that we had done so well already that today didn't matter - we just planned to have fun. 

Director Steve had stratified the field to start but after that it was the usual Swiss pairing - winners vs winners etc.  Our team won the first round easily.  Then, we won the second round and again the third.  This brought us up against the best team in the room; 2 guys from Iowa practicing for the GNTs and a 92 year old woman and her son who were straffing the open all week.  We lost by only 13 which we explained to our partners was unbelieveably good.  We placed 1st in C and B and second in A.  Jackie and Ben want to meet us at some sectionals or regionals.  Sounds great to us.

David and Lisa Berkowitz are wonderful instructors and have a great interaction and division of labor.  David tells laugh out loud bridge stories and answers questions from the previous day's rounds about bidding or play of the hand.  Lisa teaches theory in excellent small bites with great clarity.  I still don't get the giving count lesson though but that is more my denseness than her teaching.  That said, Lisa got the biggest laugh of the week from the class.  She explained that bridge is a sport which takes repetition and practice.  As an example, she said "I couldn't play a round of tennis with Martina Navritalova or go a round with Tiger Woods".  Some wag said, "sure you could" and for the only time in the week, Lisa lost control of our raunchy class.

I want to put in a plug here for John Sobol of Go Away Travel.  This is our second time to cruise with him and we signed up for next year's January cruise with Eddie Wold and Bob Morris.  John does everything - plays with people needing partners to fill out a round, makes boards, talks to ship staff to get video and snacks in place and a multitude of other things I am sure are invisible to me.  He is a neato guy and runs his business hands on.

It's good to be home and I'm looking forward to playing again at our clubs.  Maybe our newly reinvigorated partnership skills will continue.  Remembering Director Tom's sine wave theory though, I'll wait and see.

Anger Management

I'm working on it with more or less success depending on what happens.  A few days ago, I blew an  easy slam where I should have known to ask for aces but signed off in game instead.  Later in the match, partner/husband made a mistake which even rookies don't make.  Instead of making a nice 3NT game as everyone else did, we were down one in a bad contract.  I was pretty angry and got up and left the table to graze the snack counter; snacking always curing all bridge evils.  The opponent, Roger, wandered up and I asked him what he thought would happen if I shot partner/husband.  He said, "you would get off".  Okay, I laughed and partner/husband lived to play another day.

Maybe I'll start a support group for angry bridge players or maybe I'll hire Roger as my anger diffuser.  The worst part of it was, having blown the slam earlier, I had lost my right to whine at partner/husband.  Good thing.

Husband/Partner's Bad Day

Husband/Partner has stolen Dementor Robert away from me.  They play together on occasion when I am otherwise occupied with other partners.  They had a bad day today with one shining bright spot.  Robert opened 2 clubs.  Partner/Husband had 2 jacks and a queen and, following their system, bid 2 hearts showing no ace or king.  The 2 hearts was doubled, presumably a lead directing double, and Robert passed.  Husband/partner didn't see the double card and passed.  He was in 2 Hearts with 2 Hearts in his hand and 2 in dummy.  He made the contract.  He tried to tell me how he did it.  Something about running the Ace, King, Queen in 2 other suits which happened to split well and then trumping something with the 2 in his hand and the ace on the board bringing in the eighth trick.  The traveler showed all other pairs in 3 NT going down one.

After hearing that story, I truly believe that in this game ANYTHING at all is possible.

The Language of Bridge

It's NOT what you are thinking out there.  I don't mean the four letter words I occasionally use going down yet again in no trump.  Nope.  I'm thinking about our secret code, i.e. the bidding systems.  We have a friend who does not understand our bridge obsession.  Actually, most of our friends can't understand it but this one friend has a question which has been on my mind for a while since he posed it.  The question went something like this:

"If you guys have to tell the opponents what your bid means, why doesn't everyone just save time and say, 'I have two spades'; 'I have three diamonds''; 'I think we have slam here, partner, how many aces do you have?"   His theory is that would be way easier, clearer, and really the same as what is curently done with bids.

Sadly, I had no answer and he concluded the remark with a superior look on his face and segued off to annoy his other friend, the Cowboys fan, about how bad the team looked this year.  He enjoys annoying people.  I can't figure out why I like him so much.  Maybe it's because he is my cardiologist and keeps me alive to play another day.

But, really, why do we have this complicated coded way to tell each other more or less what is in our hands?  Aha you say, because the game wouldn't be as interesting without the bidding.  Well, that is certainly true given the messes some pairs get into with different systems or even simple systems.  Those do provide entertainment and good boards for the opponents when there is a partnership misunderstanding.

The experts say that half of being a good player is defense.  I would posit that the other half is figuring out what the heck partner is trying to tell you.  Actually, counting out the hand and taking the finesse for the missing Queen of Clubs (why  the Queen of Clubs is so often the critical missing card is another question I can't answer) is no challenge compared to decoding partner's bids.

Like any other group, medical people, legal people, advertising people, or media people, we bridge players have our own arcane little way of communicating or "language" which is undecipherable to outsiders.  Although, at times, we may even be inscrutable to each other, the bridge vocabulary separates us out and makes us a unique group.  I like that.  I think that is part of the charm of the game and enhances our sense of community.  Can I explain that to any non duplicate player so that it sounds sensible?   Probably not.

Stylin'

For all of you oldie readers (like me) who may not know the meaning of that new verb "stylin", here it is from the  online urban dictionary:

1. (sti-lin) slang. meaning looking good or in fashion.

2. (stiii-lin) slang. to lie, con, bluff, play or simply get-over on someone.
 
Hmm.  I know a lot of bridge players who lie, con, bluff and many who need to get over themselves but some are definitely lookin' good while playin' the game....... i.e. STYLIN' bridge.
 

I admire the women who sit in erect posture, beautifully manicured and beringged hands holding fanned cards the correct distance away for optimum viewing through whatever bifocal strength is being worn.  However, the ones who are graceful as ballet dancers in depositing the card on to the table top, amaze me.  You have noticed the ones with the slightly curved arm movement ending in a graceful flip as the card hits the table.  If I tried to do that, opponents would think I was having an arm seizure and tell my neurologist husband/partner to put me on some medication. 

 

Not so admirable are the players who toss the dummy in the general direction of the table, leaving the cards piled up, laying sideways, or in total disarray.  Being sort of a neat freak, when I first began to play, I would reach over to the opponents' dummies and straighten out whatever suit I was interested in actually seeing.  I was admonished in no uncertain terms that I was NEVER to touch someone else's dummy so now I politely ask the dummy depositor (read this any way you want to) to please arrange the cards so that we all might know what is there. 

 

I have a very wonderful occasional partner whose style is what I call, subrosa.  She holds her hand below the table top.  Whatever card appears from down below seems more of a surprise than cards coming from above. 

 

Then there is husband/partner whose method is to try to obscure in any way possible whatever card is coming out of his hand. I think, this method is designed to avoid anyone noticing his revokes.  The opponents and I have to ask him to please lay  his card on the table rather than holding on to it so that we all can share in his joy of trumping an ace (fat chance).  It's stylin' but annoyingly so.

 
I'm not even getting into the card snapping issue here.  That isn't a style.  It's just obnoxious.
 

Postures at the table vary greatly.  There are the slouchers who always seem to be trying to show that they are so far above any other player that the current oppostition bores them.  They give the impression that are barely paying attention and they don't need to.  I like whacking those guys on a board or two. 

One of my favorites to watch play is dementor Robert.  When I lay down a dummy for him, he puts his hand down, folds his arms and leans half way across the table to stare at the dummy for a while before starting play.  I never know if he can't believe what he is seeing because my bidding was so inscrutable or what?  He says he is making a plan. Okay.  We'll go with that.  I like his style.

Of course, everyone has seen the pissed off partner who slams her cards on the table, throws them at the table, or slides them across the table in disgust.  This is usually leading up to or after a partnership disagreement and we can't wait to leave those tables.  I usually mumble a thank you and try to unobtrusively slide out of my chair while they go at it.  Bad stylin'.

My least favorite style is the players who agonize over whether to play a 2 or 3 on my Ace.  Please.  Get on with it.  Along the same lines, several players stand the card to be played on end, let it sit there for some seconds, and then ever so slowly, let it drop.  I play my hand at a fairly quick pace and I know of one player who uses this method I think to try to get me off my game.  It usually works.  When the hand is played that slowly, I sometimes have trouble remembering the count.

Keep on keeping on all you stylin' bridge players.  I hope to play long enough to develop a style of my own. 

 

 

2009 Awards

Happy New Year readers.  Since partner/husband is ending the year 1.5 ahead in the Ace of Clubs race, for which I sincerely and heartily congratulate him, I decided to give out awards in lieu of receiving any. 

Best Suggestions for my Blog:     Webmaster Steve who suggested this awards installment.

Most Mysterious Bidding System:     Biig Al and dementor Robert's Italian blue team method which has everyone in the club, sometimes including Biig Al and Robert, confused.

Most Mysterious Bidder:     Great  player Kim who passes with 18 points in his hand and then sets the opponent doubled and vulnerable for a top board.

Best Food:     Biig Al's Monday salmon with his homemade sauce.

Worst Food:   Doesn't exist -  I can't award this one since I eat anything and usually enjoy whatever it is.  New Year's resolution - more exercise - less cookies at the club.

Worst Game:    Any free game with food provided where every bridge player in town shows up, the club is packed wall to wall  with people, the AC can't keep up, and I get claustrophobic.

Best Game:     The newly started Pro/Am game on Monday night at Turtle Creek.  I like this one best since dementor and I beat the team of husband/partner and Biig Al the other night.

Best Newbies:   The partnership of Ann and Dee who rolled in 20 plus gold and a bunch of red at their first National.

Worst Dressed:     The guy at Nationals with neon green shirt, bright, shiney glowing blue shorts, black socks and shoes.  He was obviously, trying to distract the opponents with the getup.  No one's taste is that bad.

Best Dressed:     The woman kibbitzer with a couple of Polish guys at an Austin Regional.  She wore a miniskirt, a sheer low cut blouse and had legs that went up to her neck crossed in front of her for maximum view of the parts.  Partner/husband and I got three bad boards.  I'm not saying why.

Best Sense of Humor:    Expert Player Terry hands down on this one.  He says five words or so and cracks me up with his terse, dry wit.

Most Easily Heard Director:   Tie between Director Tom and Biig Al.  Neither needs a mike or silence in the room to be understood.  Both can be easily heard when exasperated while adjudicating at another table.

Best Sentence Overheard from a Director at Another Table (not saying who):   "Let me say this again as SLOWLY as I can so that you can understand it".  That was a frustrated tired director but I fell off my chair laughing.

Best Director Story:  At Nationals, partner/husband was chatting with a director and asked him what is his biggest problem in directing at these huge events.  Director replied, "You won't believe it.  People come up to me and say, 'I can't find my partner'.   I ask what partner's name is and they say 'Debby'."  I always thought it took some smarts to play this game but apparently not.  We should have done way better out there in San Diego.

Most Intrepid:     Tie between two very brave, resilient women, Judy and Rosalie who both made it back to play after serious health issues. 

Best Song:   Director Tom who was heard wandering through the club singing "I hate bridge; I hate bridge" sort of under his breath but I heard him and didn't believe it for a sec.

Best Laugh:  Great Player David who stops play in the room when he starts laughing after I sarcastically tell partner/husband that he is a "bridge genius".  I always forget that "thank you partner" thing but I'll get it eventually.  Meanwhile, I entertain David.

Best of the Best:  All the San Antonio bridge players over the past year who have given me advice, told me what I did wrong on a hand, explained that I need an attitude adjustment, and particularly those who have consented to play with me as a partner with the hope that I am capable of learning the game.  Thank you everyone.

Happy Holidays

For the last two nights of Hannukah, partner/husband took off for Las Vegas for a medical meeting.  Knowing this was coming up, I scheduled two games for the days he was gone; one with friend, Rebecca, and the other with biig Al hoping against hope to pick up a point or two to at least try to close the 6.5 point gap before the end of the year.  Biig Al and I hadn't been doing too well lately in our games together although I still pick his brain for great bon mots of bridge play and always come away learning something or other.

Friend Rebecca and I had played only once or twice previously but had a great day Thursday and were first in C and B scoring a nice, respectable 1.87 for which we were both high fived by director Tom.  I love playing bridge with Rebecca; two mouthy  New York babes with the same aggressive style. 

Friday, Biig Al was up.  I hid all his double and redouble cards to keep us out of trouble.  He found them anyway but really played a great game and I didn't do anything ridiculously stupid.  Much to my shock, we were second in A with a really nice pickup of 2.25 points.   The highest compliment from Biig Al today was, "I feel like I'm playing with Robert", (my dementor and his usual partner).  At least I THINK it was a compliment.  It came after I had bid back two suits to try to keep partner out of trouble in the suit he continued to bid which I didn't have.  The problem was, I had only 2 queens, one in each suit I bid but I did have 2 doubletons; technically stretching my hand to six.  The opponents took the contract, as they should have, but Al kept leading my suits to get to my hand.  He was beyond frustrated that I had nothing and finally said, "What the heck were you bidding on?"  and then made the Robert comment.  I laughed but I'm not sure I should have.  A lot of bridge stuff makes me laugh when it doesn't make me cry.  It's definitely not a game for manic depressives.  A strong psyche is critical.

The gap between me and partner/husband now stands at 2.5 for the year and, for a couple of days, I can actually skip my zen meditation which I use to deal with this issue .  I am coping.  Partner/husband was off last night to play the poker machines in Vegas.  I think that's probably the end of our retirement fund.  I wonder if I can get work playing bridge like the pros do?  That would be a wonder, wouldn't it?  More likely, I'll be reactivating my nursing license.  I hear there's a shortage again.  I can probably make enough for bridge fees and lose weight by not buying food.  Priorities, priorities.

I hope all my readers have a wonderful holiday filled with joy and love and, of course, great hands in the New Year, as long as they aren't against me.

Annie and Dee

A few months ago, husband/partner and I were yakking with Annie and Dee, fellow 299ers, after a board.  We mentioned that we had reservations for the Nationals in San Diego.  The next thing we knew, husband/partner was teaching them about on line reservations and how to print a Southwest Airlines Boarding Pass for the same flights we were on.

We met Ann and Dee at Director Everette's Thursday night game for newcomers.  It became immediately apparent that Ann and Dee were not the usual run of the mill newbies.  Ann usually sat at table one north south and no matter how hard I tried to get her to smile or engage her in conversation, I was unsuccessful.   Ann played her hands really well and we rarely got a good board against her.   A few months later, Dee showed up; blonde, great figure, good spangley jeans to show off said figure and a tattoo on one leg.   She had the gravely voice of a smoker, the outgoing personality of Ethel Mermen and had a nice looking, tall lanky guy for a partner. 

Over my long lifetime, I should have learned by now that the very people I take an immediate dislike to turn out to be some of the best of friends.  I called Dee "card snapping woman" and inwardly groaned when she showed up.  After a lifetime of rubber bridge, Dee snapped cards louder than anyone I have ever played against.  It drove me nuts.  After a few Thursdays of this, I finally brought up the subject.  Husband/partner's mentor, club owner, Marilyn told him that snapping cards at the bridge table is akin to picking your nose at the dinner table.  He conveyed that to Dee that night and, to her credit, she has tried to curtail a very difficult habit to break.

The partnership of Dee and lanky guy broke up and Ann and Dee began playing together straffing the newcomer games.  They didn't know too many conventions but crushed everyone by playing the heck out of every hand.  They were a classic example of the theory that those who make the least playing mistakes win the game much of the time.  I kept encouraging them to come play in the regular club games but got the usual newbie responses of how mean the regular players can be to newcomers.  I kept telling them they could more than hold their own out there and how much the other players have helped to improve our game.

They emerged and started clobbering the C strat, then the B strat and have moved on to placing in the A strat.  In the process, I found out that Annie is an incredibly interesting, bright person with a great smile and Dee is so overtly who she is and secure in herself that you have to love her.  In San Diego, they won a KO with B players from San Antonio, rolling in a ton of gold points and laid waste to the 299er games where prizes for winning were coasters as well as red.  Half way through the week, they were begging for space in our suitcases to store coasters.  I think I know what my Christmas present will be.

It has been a fascinating experience to watch them pair up and develop so quickly as such a strong team.  I have grown to love them both and was genuinely delighted at their success at their first National.  Way to go, guys!!  On to the AX level.

While in San Diego, we ran into great player Ira who was playing in the AX strat.  I asked how it was going and he said, "Well, I was in first place but then I pulled a few 'Judys' and now I'm in 6th."  He must have misplayed some no trump slams.  Maybe the only way I will be famous in bridge annals is to have a particularly bad notrump play named after me.

Partner/husband and I had an intense, angst ridden, regret filled, sleepless week.  On the good side, we met wonderful people from everywhere, exchanged information and made plans to play as a team when we next meet.  We also found out where our bidding system is failing us and have made some adjustments.  We did get 1.66 gold and 4 red but have yet to win a KO.  We figure that's something for us to look forward to in the future.  Husband/partner is looking for flights to New Orleans in July.  Never give up.  Never say die. 

Clothing Optional

Well not EXACTLY! One has to wear something to the bridge club but it’s optional what one chooses. On Saturday, a friend said to me, “That guy with the tight jeans is back again”. Shoot. When I was 30 or even 40, I wouldn’t have missed a guy in tight jeans. I am well and truly old at 65 that I had no idea which guy was the one under consideration. Finally, between rounds, the wearer was pointed out to me. Tight indeed but on very nice buns. He wasn’t one of our regulars but in from out of town for our sectional. My friend suggested that I should blog about bridge clothing. Never one to back down from a challenge, which is why I bid a bad, unmakeable 3 Spades in a Swiss game to the dismay of my dementor, here goes.

Fashion varies widely in our club. My dementor roars up on his motorcycle in his Madison High School booster shirt, black beard flying. The rest of the guys run the gamut from pullovers and slacks to shorts and tees. Boring except for dementor. Some of the women, however, flit around like bejewled tropical birds. One of our more gorgeous specimens was grazing a jewelry table when we were ready to start the round. She returned holding a new sparkly bracelet just in time to play . When I asked why she didn’t just put it on she replied, ‘It doesn’t go with the rest of my jewelry’. If I were a real woman, I guess I would have known that but, alas, I never learned girl stuff at the appropriate age and now, it’s too late. Learning bridge is hard enough. I can’t take any more lessons on anything else.

The late, lovely Darlene, just before she unexpectedly died, told me that she would “make me over”. She was always perfectly turned out in sparkly stuff, spandex, and more makeup than I have used in my whole lifetime. Every time we met, she would cluck cluck over my hair (needs a cut and rinse), makeup (none), jewelry (wedding ring doesn’t count although I do have my timex on most days – maybe that doesn’t count either) and clothes (too loose and dull, dull, dull). I miss Darlene. She lent flair to the room beside being one great bridge player.

Great player Ira shows up with a floppy hat on his longish, black kinky hair and professes that you MUST wear comfortable clothes at the table. I agree with that and usually wear a cotton shirt, capris and sandals. Sometimes, I remember to put my hoop earrings on.  I have gained weight since taking up bridge (bad food at the club and less exercise but that’s another story), therefore I sometimes wear clothes which have mysteriously shrunk. I usually don’t notice though since, when I am playing, I don’t pay attention to much else. I find the red lines and chaffed areas when I get home and climb into my usual shorts and tees.

Great player Kim, always wears a fishing hat with a sports coat and pullover. I think he wears the hat to hide his face when he is making one his many mysterioso bids. Those are the two signature hat people along with great player Patty who always looks way cute in a pink baseball cap with her pony tail hanging out the back

I admire my fellow female players from Carolyn who always dresses well and looks regal to Jo, an actress, who always looks dramatic no matter what she wears – maybe it’s the British accent - , to Sally who looks like a model and wears gorgeous jewelry, and all the other ladies who dress well to play. I could do better I suppose, but I’m going with Ira’s comfort theory. Now, what to pack for the Nationals in San Diego?

In Memoriam

Normally, I try to write funny stuff in this blog and sometimes I succeed and other times maybe not so much.  However, today, I want to say how much I will miss my new friend Carl Morris.  Carl was a veteran of three wars and distinguished in many other ways as well as at the bridge table.  Partner/husband is not the zippiest of bidders or players and, when we first came up against Carl, he called the director on P/H's long hesitation prior to making a bid.  Carl  said, "I counted to 100 before his card came out".  I passed anyway but he was no less irate.  Two boards later, I did count to 100 before Carl bid and I said, "I got to 100 Carl but I'm not calling anybody".  The smart remark earned me the bridgemaster glare. 

As with many other A players, as we continued to show up and take our beatings, he thawed somewhat.  I found out he was a WWII vet and thanked him for his service.  That seemed to take him back a bit.  Then I asked him in which theater he had served.  He told me about island to island fighting in the Pacific.  I told him that my Dad had died in Italy two months before I was born and that, now, I am the president of a national group of people who lost their Dads also.  There were 180,000 of us. Like most people, he had no idea of the number of us there are but when I would sit down at his table, he would come up with another WWII story and there were no further director calls. 

His long time partner and friend, Roger, announced yesterday that Carl was no longer with us and I teared up.  Roger said that they came in first in their last game together before Carl died.  That's the way I want to go.  I will miss him greatly.

All Hallow's Eve

or Hallowe'en as it is popularly known.  A wicked witch and a fat pumpkin sat North South as husband/partner (dressed as a Phillies' fan with hat and shirt) and I sat down.  Husband/partner passed and I opened a minor.  H/P named hearts and I, holding 4, named spades.  H/P pulled out his 2 Heart card and I bravely responded with my 2 NT card.  The passed hand raised me to 3 NT. Down one.  When I asked why a passed hand raised me, he said "I had 10 points and you kept bidding so I thought you were stronger".  The pumpkin and the witch, as usual, agreed with him.

So, I ask, what does one do when there is no match in any suit and one knows that 2 NT is clearly makeable; not bid it?  Bail out and pass with no match for partner's 5 hearts?  I didn't wish to continue the discussion with witchie poo and the pouffy orange thing so I fumed along to the next table.  I decided to take the hand to teacher Diane at the next supervised play session and ask her what I should have done.  As luck would have it, the stupid hand record says it made 3 hearts and 2 NT.  drat.

 

Recruiting

Our son, Gregor, was always the outlier in our sports obsessed family.  However, since moving back to San Antonio, he has become as fanatic a Spurs fan as all the rest of us who live here.  He shows up on Sundays to observe the Cowboys/Giants controversies and, recently, has been subjected to the baseball playoffs since the beloved Phillies are still alive.  During the last Sunday's game, held at night in Philadelphia, the temperature was about 40 degrees or so. 

Greg asked, "who is that girl sitting on the sideline?"  We explained that she is the "ball girl" and retrieves foul balls.  Next question, "why is she all covered up?"  We explained that it was really cold up there.  Greg was shocked and said, "what's the point of watching a sport where the girls are all bundled up?"  Aha moment!  He doesn't care about the games - just the cheerleaders and other scantily clad so called dancers or whatever.  I should have known.

However, it started me thinking.  If the ACBL were smart and really wanted to grow the game, it should start looking to ramp up interest by using peripherals.  What if a new player has a game breaking the 60 % barrier?  Maybe the rest of the players should throw them to the floor and pile on top in celebration.  The new health insurance plan should take care of the multitude of hip fractures. 

How about teams in each city playing each other on the bridge network?  Cross training some scantily clad, low cleavaged babes to interview the 50,000 point players would probably drag in some ratings.  To keep the female viewers happy, hire some hunky pros who love seeing themselves on TV.

 I envision a male/female duo doing the play by play of games in hushed voices like the golf guys.  "Wait, wait I THINK he is going to finesse that 8 -yes, YES he is!  It's rolling past east - almost there - oh NO - west takes it with his 9.  What a miscalculation on south's part.  That's gotta hurt him.  What do you think, Sam?"   Sports commentary just lends itself to the game don't you think? 

Maybe some nice fireworks on a jumbotron when there is a spectacular Knock out win.  Side stories on players' traumatic childhoods like they always do on the Olympic athletes.  "Zelda grew up in Kazakistan and her mother had a cold when Zelda was just 6.  She really had to work to overcome that tragedy".  We bridge players have stories too!

I hope somebody at ACBL is reading this blog.  I won't charge much for my ideas.