Pro or Schmo?

Here  a guide for newbies who find themselves at a regional or national somewhere and want to know if the opponent is a pro bridge player with a client.


1.  The pair play no known system but one usually devised by the pro so that he can play every hand.  (I am using a generic "he" here since I have never come across a female bridge pro.  I am sure there are some; I just haven't met any yet.)


2.  The pro has a jacket over jeans or polyester slacks (depends on age).


3.  If his partner does something wrong, the pro explains patiently what partner should have done instead.  This is usually incomprehensible to the opponents.


4.  The tricks the pro takes, instead of being lined up neatly in front of him, are carelessly tossed into an untidy pile as if to give you a message that there will be no question about the outcome since he can tell you every trick played from his infallible memory. 


5.  The other message the untidy trick pile sends is that he is absolutely unconcerned about the outcome of the hand.


6.  If you watch the pro's forehead carefully, you can almost see the series of numbers running through his brain like the moving neon lights on a Times Square sign.


7. Unlike your neatly printed convention card in its holder, decorated with regional stickers, pros keep a written score on the back of a hastily scribbled card which was filled out 2 minutes before game time.  They always use a golf pencil (if you are a pro, there is no need for an eraser since the outcome is foreordained) and said convention card is a crumpled up mess never to be used again.  (Thanks to friend/partner, Rebecca, for noticing this one.)


8.  Pro and partner come to the table discussing the last hands in no known earthly language and leave your table discussing in the same argot, no doubt communicating about how they could have sliced and diced you into yet smaller pieces.


Perhaps, some day, I'll go to a national disguised as a pro, doing all of the above.  The problem is, after my first three no trump declarer play, I would be degradingly unmasked.